My phone beeped and it was a WhatsApp message from an “uncle”. As in, this person has obviously seen a whole lot of Christmases and survived them so perhaps one would have expected a little bit more Ben Brucic behaviour from him.
The title of the message: A GOOD WOMAN MAKES A GOOD WIFE AND A GOOD WIFE BECOMES A GOOD MOTHER WHO GIVES BIRTH TO GOOD CHILDREN BLAHDEBLAHDEBLAH.
Yes, the title was screaming at me in all caps and last last, it was one of those messages the men folk just love to pass around, claiming it was written by a woman (in this instance, they claimed it was written by “Mrs.” Joyce Meyer); in order to blackmail women into continuing to roll over and play dead so that the D in their life is not challenged while he runs wild like a little boy who just discovered the joys of fondling his little trooper while running around in the rain.
There were thirty three points there – yes, you heard me well. Thirty bleeping three, and the message ended with a caveat: Send it to every woman you know and save their marriage. Send it to the men too so that they can send it to the women in their lives and help the women to save their marriages.
Tenkiu for your concern Sirs, but we want to ask: while you are hurriedly circulating this message quickquick to the women so that they can save their marriages nownow, I want to ask: are your wives married to themselves? What efforts do YOU the men think you should make to ensure your marriages work? Definitely you all must have heard about the young lady who was running herself ragged in a bid to satisfy her layabout, weed-smoking, jobless-muchacha husband and still getting beat up until she murdered him?
And fathers of young daughters are helping to disseminate messages that still give the impression that only one person needs to work hard to sustain a marriage?
Okay, since the men are sending messages to the women, permit me to rework the message and send out to the men.
Remember, A GOOD MAN MAKES A GOOD HUSBAND WHO IN TURN PRODUCES GOOD SPERM TO MAKE A GOOD FATHER OF A GOOD CHILD. IF YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD MAN AND HUSBAND, EMULATE THESE STEPS BELOW:
- Never raise your voice for any reason to your wife, it is a sign of dis-love.
- Don’t expose your wife’s weaknesses to your family and friends. It will bounce back to you. You are each other’s keeper.
- Never use attitude and moods to communicate to your wife, you never know how your wife will interpret them (and you don’t want to end up with a knife in your back or your dingaling on the table beside you).
- Never compare your wife to other women, you have no idea what her struggles are all about. If you attack her ego, her love for you will diminish (see you, see otapiapia inside your soup).
- Never ill treat your wife’s friends because you don’t like them. She will not get rid of them whether you like it or not. O na ewe gi, nwannem go mordu!
- Never forget that your wife married you, not the maiguard or the driver. Do your duties (wink, wink).
- Never assign anyone to give attention to your wife, or else DNA test kit will be a recurring decimal in your home.
- Never blame your wife if you come home and the kitchen is empty. Rather encourage her.
- Never be a useless husband. Your wife’s prayers are too precious to be wasted.
- Never pretend to have a headache for the purpose of denying your wife her right (meanwhile when you see umu asa outside, your small boy will spring to attention). See you see as you go raise children for ya maiguard o.
- Never compare your wife to your one time lover. The “revolution” is real, brah!
- Never answer for your wife in public opinion polls, let her answer for herself although she may answer for you anytime she likes.
- Never shout or challenge your wife in front of your children. See you see life inside a bottle direct from Baba in the village.
- Don’t forget to check your wife’s make up is on fleek before she heads out the door.
- Never allow those your brostitute friends to get too close to your wife
- If your idea works better than hers, don’t ever tell her that. Be ‘ormbul.
- Don’t be too judgmental with your wife. The temptation to “revolutionize” a nagging husband is real, man.
- Don’t associate with all those men whose wives spend all their times in churches and night vigils kabbashing against “strange women” and “husband snatchers”. Show me your friend and I will tell you who you are.
- A lazy husband is a careless husband. You don’t even know that other men like you shave their blokkos? You see yourself?
- Does your wife like “snake in the monkey shadow”? Then stop doing missionary all the time. Is it not a small boy that you senior wellwell that went to do “aka abuo” the other day and trended all over social media? Yet all you know is, “bia enyi, meghe okpa gi there ka m banye”. Wise up o, all these young boys loitering around your house are not smiling.
Okay, I’ll stop here for now. If you want to see numbers twenty one to thirty three, drop a comment on the post and I’ll drop one more for you. Also, feel free to add your own. All of us are in this marriage business together – men and women. The success or failure of a marriage is a joint effort by BOTH parties, not where one party is constantly blackmailed and manipulated into being a doormat while the other one spends his youth being a jackass; then when he is too old and too broke to amuse the young girls, he will now return to Madam Longsuffering to form “loyal wife of my youth”.
Thunder fire all of you there!
SEND THIS TO EVERY MAN YOU KNOW. YOU NEVER KNOW WHOSE MARRIAGE YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAVE. AND TO EVERY WOMAN SO THAT THE MEN IN THEIR LIVES WILL BE AWARE THAT THEY ARE AWARE. PLEASE IF YOU ARE A WOMAN AND IT WAS SENT TO YOU, LET YOUR HUSBAND “HAS” ACCESS TO IT.
May thy good rod bress all of you.