When you first started dating it never crossed your mind that you would one day be bored with this person.
Every sleeping and waking moment was wrapped up in them. The newness was exhilarating, adrenaline was pumping, and you just couldn’t get enough of them. What did you ever do to deserve this love?
There was so much to say, so much to do, so much to see together, and even being in the same room with them in silence somehow managed to be pure bliss.
The reality is nobody stays on that high forever. You’ve been together for a while, and that newness has long waned. You know that phase wasn’t meant to last forever, but what can you do now to keep boredom at bay? I wondered one day, so I went looking for answers. Here’s what I learnt:
1. It starts with you.
Many times we think about changing things or changing the other person in order to spice things up, but the truth is the more you have fun yourself, the more fun you are to be around. If you’re the one feeling bored, then you’re the one with a low boredom threshold so take advantage of it, and get creative! You don’t have to change your whole life: a new hobby, a new hairstyle, a new friendship, a new skill… any of these can boost your motivation. This kind of excitement is contagious, and before you know it you’re infusing your relationship with freshness and vigour. When I started exercising for weight loss and fitness, it was such a boost for me personally that it lifted my entire household and got us all excited for a long time. What can you do for yourself that will brighten not just your life but your partner’s?
2. Having fun isn’t the same as having fun together
By default we drift apart, not together. Togetherness takes deliberate effort, and one tried and tested way to have fun together is to do meaningful things together. Being part of a project together is an incredible opportunity for bonding and even generating sexual energy in a relationship. People who have had kids will tell you that, despite the challenges, there’s a special closeness raising a little one together brings. You don’t need to go have a kid though. Just pick a project you’ll both enjoy and be committed to, and watch boredom fly out the window.
3. Intimacy is exciting and it comes by knowing each other
Yeah, you think you know them well enough; maybe you’ve been married for a long time and you’re sure you’ve seen it all. I thought so too. Then I found some “conversation starters” for couples and I realised there was soooooo much more I didn’t know about my husband! This is especially true if you’re married to someone who isn’t talkative. If someone gave your husband enough money to start a business of his own, what kind of business would he start? If your wife could live in any other period, past or future, which period would she choose? Why? What fears does your husband wrestle with the most and how does he manage them? If your wife could bring any former leader from the past back to run Nigeria today, who would it be?
A wise person once said, “Dialogue is to love what blood is to the body.” You can’t get to know someone better without spending time together and talking with them. Today, couples spend way too much time apart. Even in the same room, husband and wife can be found seated far from each other, peering into their different handheld devices. Then we complain that the marriage is boring! I remember reading an UberFacts tweet that said, “People in the most successful marriages spend 5 more hours a week being together and talking.” Bring back the talks, texts, chats, calls and long walks that characterised the dating days. Make time for the shows and concerts and dates again. Give each other genuine, undivided attention for a change and see just how bored you’ll be.
Human beings are designed for variety, not monotony. If we take the initiative and break the routine, we will see our marriages brim with life again.
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