August 20, 2018

My dear, run o if your partner is insecure – Peju Akande

My dear, run o if your partner is insecure – Peju Akande

Days back, Vanguard newspapers detailed the story of how a certain hairdresser, who resides somewhere in Ajangbadi area of Lagos pushed her boyfriend, a Uniben graduate out of the window of their one storey building to his death…because he wanted to check  her mobile phone.

She didn’t mean to of course, (as they all claim) she just got tired of him constantly being suspicious of her moves and checking her phone as evidence of her infidelity; so she shoved him hard as he’d seized her phone and out of the window he dropped to a gruesome death.

It’s the devil!

Remember Maryam Sanda? The Abuja lady who in a jealous rage stabbed husband, Bilyaminu Mohammed to death because of the contents in his phone. Maryam was said to have been accusing her husband of infidelity, the evidence of which she claimed was in his phone.

Then, just yesterday, a 23-year-old housewife in Lagos, stabbed her husband Olumide to death over infidelity arising from details in his phone.

Insecurity knows no gender but why were these women so insecure in their relationships?

Living with an insecure partner is no fun. Experts say, though, that even between the happiest of couples, some feeling of insecurity is bound to surface once in a while. So the feeling of being insecure isn’t necessarily a negative trait, it only becomes so when a partner is chronically insecure.

So when your partner begins to fret over your relationships with outsiders, when he/she begins to insinuate, suggest, even make wild accusations, especially after you’ve spent time apart, it is a signal you should pay attention to, experts advice; you are dealing with an insecure partner.

More than that, what are the red flags suggesting you may be dealing with an insure partner?

They want to know where you are and who you’ve been with: I had this weird encounter at the hospital some years back. A woman had come to the family planning clinic for an IUD. She was married to an elderly man whom she says is a sex addict…weird, right? He is in his sixties she said and she in her late thirties….anyway, she said the man doesn’t let her out of the house to work and insists on checking her panties to see if they are wet when she manages to leave the house. So she came for an IUD insisting her husband must not know about it…biko why?

Clearly this woman’s husband is insecure; he is older, and to ensure he keeps his woman, must have been taking several doses of Viagra to deliver his seeds daily…so why madam wan do IUD, na? Has he been shooting blanks? Is there a boyfriend on the side and madam is afraid his seed will prosper where oga’s seed have failed?

I no sabi, o. but I know, once oga finds out, she is in for a big wahala!

Insecure partners are always looking for re-assurance. Experts say, an insecure partner always wants reassurance that he/she is making you happy as they can’t seem to find that assurance within themselves. I remember the story of a friend who’s ex always made her answer to his very persistent question of if he was satisfying her?

It was cute at the beginning, we were all envious of her, until he wore her out with his constant need for re-assurance. They didn’t last.

Insecure people are controlling:

They may appear to smolder you with love and attention, in reality, experts say they are monitoring your movements and seeking to control it. They want to know why you didn’t call or text back quickly enough; who you are with; they sulk when they think you are having fun without them and make you feel guilty because of it. Their demand for constant communication experts say, should never be mistaken for love but control.

If you find that every time you are away from this person, you have a need to take selfies with friends and show the environment to reassure your partner you aren’t engaged in any untoward shenanigans, then there is a problem.

Should you have a partner like this, experts advice you have a sit down and let the partner know that a healthy relationship doesn’t require monitoring….eerrm, (I say, good luck with that)

Insecure people talk a lot about your exes and their exes; insecure people never let the past rest, they keep digging up old dirt and complain when it hits them in the face. Experts say because insecure people have a hard time generating love and acceptance for themselves, they hold on tightly to what happened between them and their ex or exes; they often talk about how their ex broke their hearts and your ex becomes fodder for their wild imaginations, especially if you are in contact with your exes.

In the case of Maryam Sanda, reports said she had threatened to cut off her husband’s genitals after she purportedly read messages on her husband’s phone that came from an ex.

Experts advice you keep your exes faaarrrrrrrrr.

Insecure people hate any form of criticism. Every healthy relationship needs a dose of criticism to help the couple live better and move forward; however, experts say insecure people can’t rationally view themselves in their own eyes, so no matter how constructive the criticism is, chances are you will make no progress.

Some experts say you could employ an unbiased third party to help you wade through the communication issues with your insecure partner.

There are perhaps a thousand more reasons not listed here so I defer again to the experts who say, insecurity is not a disease and can be overcome, so long as the person recognizes he/she is insecure and willing to make the relationship work.

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