March 23, 2017

NAIJA BABES, DON’T COME AND SUFFER IN JAND by Ruonah Agbroko Meyer

NAIJA BABES, DON’T COME AND SUFFER IN JAND by Ruonah Agbroko Meyer

NAIJA BABES, DON’T COME AND SUFFER IN JAND by Ruonah Agbroko Meyer

Dear Nigerian girls, it’s time to wake up and smell the kunu! Why? Because many of your predecessors now litter the streets, parties, churches and workplaces of London complaining to everyone, including complete strangers, about how they were tricked by men into “coming to suffer in jand.”

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This is one area where ignorance is grief, not bliss.  And so, if you have a bobo in Jand who is asking you to come over and join him in paradise, here are specific signs you have to look for, to be sure that his net worth equals his current bed-worth.

  1. His house

He says he lives in London; don’t get all relaxed because no be like dat. Ask him where exactly, and try to visit, or ask him to show you around via Skype. If he lives in a council flat you’ll know; they often look somewhat like 1004 flats, with none of the prestige or famous tenants like Tiwa Savage.

If you visit and discover that the area smells then it is likely to be a council flat because, often, the trash is never collected on time. Now go inside. If the guy says he lives alone, look about for his pictures. If there are none and if the guy isn’t comfortable showing you the kitchen on Skype, or he leads you to chill in the room throughout your stay, then he is in a glorified “room-and-parlour” situation, aka flat-share. Electricity bills are also important. If you see none, then “there is problem.” It means your boo is definitely sharing the flat with others and therefore they pay for electricity using a pre-paid stick, just like a recharge card. The problem with this is that you may marry into that house and one day, while you are having a bath the light, water and everything else will go off because your oga or flatmates cannot pay. Even worse is if your oga-to-be has no flatmates but decides to use a pre-paid stick; that definitely confirms he is Ebenezer Scrooge. Be wise. So that cold no go kill you. Ehen, here is a picture of the stick and payment cards, so you can recognise it if you see it in his flat or in a picture.

pre-paid stick
pre-paid stick
  1. TV habits

In my dating years I avoided guys who didn’t have Cable TV. Don’t judge me biko. Who would you encourage your daughter to date; someone who has StarTimes or someone who has DSTV? Oho!

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In Jand, the equivalent of DSTV is Sky TV – full Sky subscription costs £807 annually. Any guy willing to shell that out is a keeper; he appreciates the finer things of life, and the channels will keep you busy and happy when you move to Jand. You’ll still be able to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians and TLC. But be aware, there is a cheaper Sky subscription, which doesn’t give you movies and sports, costing £258 annually. Give such guys a miss and take the man who has Virgin Media TV with TiVo because this is better, even if with fewer channels. The best men use the full package of broadband and telephone calls – it shows they don’t do things by half. So when you relocate, you won’t suffer from lack of internet and can update your Facebook and Instagram every second with those #IwokeUpLikeThis selfies.

 

Again, here is a picture of the distinctive Sky box and remote control to help your hustle.

sky box
Sky box

*In addition, steer clear of guys who only watch “catch-up TV” on their iPads. It shows they don’t even have a TV, much less Sky at home. RUN from a guy who has letters warning him he will be prosecuted for not paying his TV license. These types are either illegal immigrants hoping to soon disappear from their current address or worse; they own flat screen TVs and use Sky but won’t pay for a TV license because as ELdee warned us already;  all na wash. Remove those Louboutins and…TAKE OFF.

  1. Correspondence

Forget passports; visas can be faked. To get an accurate grasp of his immigration status and living arrangements, say you want to send him a letter from Nigeria and get his address. Once you have a postcode, you can search online on the electoral roll (our voters’ register in Jand) to see if the guy lives alone, or is shacking up with someone else (real wife or flatmate).

Why the electoral roll? Because it not only confirms the address, it shows that the bobo has some claim to Jand. To be on the electoral roll, you have to be a British citizen or a UK resident. Even better is to google the dates of elections in Jand and ask him in conversation if he will vote, then proceed to shriek with delight and tell him to take a selfie with his letter of notification. If you are visiting, sift through his post…you will see such documents and then you can breathe.

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  1. Mobile phone tinz

Finally, take note during those long calls he makes to you in Nigeria where he says he loves you more than his mother. If he continues to complain about “network,” innocently ask him what service provider he uses. If he says 02, Vodafone, EE then all is well. The minute he says “Lebara,” then be aware you may have a stingy cheapskate on your hands.

Lebara is some provider that gives free minutes to Nigeria and is basically for the masses, who only tolerate the shitty network because of the “1,000 free minutes.” If he is so keen on CUTTING COSTS that he sticks with Lebara then he is probably CUTTING SHOWS and using the free minutes to call other ladies because they do free minutes to Ghana as well. Just saying.

And regarding the actual handset, be wary of any guy who visits Nigeria with tons of phones for sale, which all need unlocking. Clearly he has taken out numerous contracts on those phones and is living off credit. The best kind of guys in jand buy their gadgets upfront, with no fuss, no debt. You gerrit?.

If you visit, check for such contracts and bills. You might as well keep an eye out for bank statements because you can’t go wrong with those.

Again, you can also quickly look at the type of grocery bags in the house. If they are from Waitrose and M&S, then marry the guy. If his bags show he shops at ASDA and Morissons, there’s potential. For those who only shop at Poundland and Iceland, I suggest you do an Usain Bolt, except you are NOT allergic to poverty.

 

So, there you have it, ladies. You can see that I have gone to great detail to save you lot from all these wash-wash jand guys. Don’t be fooled by their fresh skin (the weather gives it to us all for free) and don’t get carried away by their pot-bellies straining against TM Lewin shirts (food is cheap and they wait till TM Lewin does sales).

Oh no, stop it, don’t thank me. You’re welcome, sha.

Now, can you please return the favour? I can’t seem to remember where I kept my crowbar (I mean the one I always use to extricate my tongue from my cheek).

See you next week.

@[email protected]

Radi8
InnJoo Reborn

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68 Comments

  1. Godwin Okpocha

    My name is Godwin Okpocha (Look me up on Google) I’m not one of those you’re referring to.
    I live in Manchester and I’ve lived here for over 10 years. If you’re trying to make your readers laugh then you should please indicate because you are so wrong.
    1.Yes council flats often project houses but loads of them especially outside London are normal houses, not even flats. The building of council houses is on going and being in one doesn’t mean you don’t pay rent, most of them look way better than the houses that are privately owned.
    2. Sky is not the only way to watch cable TV, they’ve got even more expensive ones, like BT, Virgin, Talk talk and so on. Now why would you wanna pay that amount when some other providers offer less and mind you Sky isn’t the most expensive.
    3. Lebara minutes aren’t free, you pay for it. £30+ for a 1000minutes and funny enough these other networks are the ones built to call outside the UK, the others you mentioned are the ones that’ll fail when it comes to making international call and bloody expensive too, the proper rich people don’t even try it.

    Reply
    1. Godwin Akpoche

      Godwin Okpocha see una life? Hahahahahaha see disclaimer before blabbing! why are you all losing sleep over a satirical piece??? Shebi it is because breeze don blow all una yansh open ehnnnn London big boys by force?!! Oh I forgot…you aren’t even in London…rather than get your Poundland boxers in a twist enjoy the piece jare or COME HOME. Osanle buruku. Next time go to the news section of SabiNews if you dey find factual reporting
      These are COLUMNISTS. Olodo.

      Reply
      1. Lanre Oguntokun

        Okpocha you are wrong and are funny I am laughing here. Ruona is right and I wonder why you had to beg for Google Seaches and say you live in one of the most crime-ridden areas of the UK to pose. Well, dear readers: Sky+ with HD is the most expensive package in the UK especially when you add the Sports Bolt-Ons and some International channels.
        Council flats are for those on benefits, those who deserve handouts from the state and others who lie that they are from war torn countries or are gay to live in the UK. Did you know that when circumstances improve then they can pay some or all of the rent and others go on to buy out the house from government? Did you know or did you just forget to mention it? Every council flat allocation starts with people in need of State assistance and you even find a lot of our Nigerian boys sublet rooms from the owners and lie to girls. Fake life is not good and let guys too see that there is nothing wrong with struggling but everything is wrong with lying to girls back home! This ks why many divorces happen. And not sure why you even went as far as entering Lebara because of course na cheapee and you cannot see middle class talkless of rich people using it so please stop the bobo. Let us call take the real message from this – FAKE LIFE IS BAD! ALL.OF YOU IN JAND STOP POSING!

        Reply
  2. Prince Jacon

    Hahaha… @RGAMeyer, beautiful one. I can only imagine the ladies forming Sherlock Holmes over their bobo dem. And I think you forgot the crowbar in your mouth and ended up washing it down the sink when brushing.

    Reply
  3. Jake Okechukwu Effoduh

    My name is Jake Okechukwu Effoduh (Yes, me sef, look me up on google. Infact, wikipedia sef! lol)

    I just want to say that this article gave me the best laugh of my life. I really like the satirical and conversation style of expression. More so, I think it passes a very very good message to Nigerian girls who simply hear a boy say “London” over the phone and then they get overtly excited without doing checks and balances. I like the aricle, if I was a chic looking for an assessment gauge, this is a great source. please write more and email me to let me know when you have so that I can publicise it too. Well done

    Reply
  4. Incognito

    The type of girls that get deceived no go sabi all those things wey write o sister Rona! Those kind mugu girls just wan to janz anyhow e be! Shikenan. Na me, Chief Incognito from Jos

    Reply
  5. Theo Savage

    On ‘his house’ and ‘TV habits’, you forgot to add or perhaps you did not know that there is an underG solution to cable tv subscription and energy supply.

    For cable tv electricity/gas supply in Peckham, Hackney, Brixton, etc, where I am sure these bobos reside, you pay a fixed amount to a Mr Fix-It, he sets you up on the systems illegally, and you enjoy the services for free for life or until yawa blows.

    Reply
  6. Esewizzy

    Well Said Frau Meyer. Truth is always bitter. that my guy when say he dey Liverpool so i go tell am to show me things for skype o. Breeze blow fowl yansh open me i dust my gbete i hammer B race like Mario game own. Chikena.

    Reply
  7. Luqman

    Am sorry this is the biggest rubbish I have ever read and people own council houses just like normal houses, you don’t have a clue how the system is and talking about Lebara giving free calls? To who? When? They sell as package. During my 15 years In uk I had Vodafone for uk calls and Lycal for nigeria calls. By the way I live in lagos now and lagos is more of a nicer place to live I think but all my comment here are not true and none of them is fact, because you don’t know what you talking about !!!!

    Reply
    1. Lanre Oguntokun

      Luqman you live in Lagos abi? So how do you know everything? Amd why do you Nigerians sha like ke ma disgrace ara e bayi sha? Where in this piece did the author say people do not pay at all at all for Lebara? She said they give free minutes yes but never said they don’t pay. Abegiii na biggest rubbish but you came to read and leave comment kwakwakwakwaaaa!
      #TeamRuona and #TeamSabiNews all the wayyyy SabiNews e ba wa TU ASIRI WON!!

      Reply
  8. Tega

    I’m a uk resident n I’m female! This is the problem wiv 9ja. Must a guy be all that before you can settle down with him? Life in the uk is tough. Isn’t it better to use lebara and not enter trouble when you can’t pay your bills @d end of the month? How many channels do you get to watch out of the whole sky package? We have the sky HD package in my house and I can tell you that I only watch E4, ITV 3, Food Network, sometimes comedy central and that’s basically it. Why should someone pay money for what won’t be used especially a guy that’s out most of the time hustling. Please stop making people feel bad. Life shouldn’t be a bed of roses all the time and wasting isn’t sensible especially in this land that’s so tough! If you work hard you’d understand what I’m saying! Iv never disagreed with an article from start to finish before! This is a first from me!

    Reply
    1. Austin

      Finally a cerebrate comment!
      Thank you so much my sister, I wonder why the writer is painting a gloomy picture of guys. Agreed some guys can be nasty but why will you wanna spend all your hard earned money in another man’s land?
      I practice as a doctor though i came here as a student, i know how hard it is to make money in this country.
      If I may ask, how many people in Nigeria pay for full DSTV bouquet (even the writer) i doubt it. Again are those girls going to England to watch TV? Life is all about finding the right balance, you cant be a cleaner on £7/hr and want to rent a £800pcm.
      I feel what d writer should say is dt d girl should find out the guys dreams and aspirations and what is doing towards it rather than placing too much value on material things.

      Reply
  9. Anita

    Wow! This tongue in cheek piece is very interesting and does well to itemise the billing and spending habits of many Nigerians and other nationalities especially since the recession starting 2008-ish.

    Had the internet or this type of advice existed before I came to join my bobo in jand 17 yrs ago, I would had heeded advice and not found myself in this confused state I now find myself in. Let me share my story biko…

    So my bobo camd home on Xmas, flashing and smooth, sweet talking and I was sold! It was Jand or nothing and 9 months later, wahala started straight from Heathrow.

    First, no car to pick me up. It was winter. Two bags full of foodstuff and we had to drag this on the Piccadily Line. Then the Jubilee Line. Then the District Line. Alarm did not ring.

    Then wen it seemed like days, we got there. My home was shared with a Brazilian (illegal), Cezh (illegal back then) and South African (illegal but processing).

    Then that night in that same confussion he left and said he was going to work. He had a uniform that looked like the Nigerian Police uniform. But he was not with the Met Police…yawa!

    Today sha, we’ve just done up the shed in our 5 bed detached on the outskirts of the city and will exchange documents on our third buy-to-let but the MOST confusing issue now is if we will trade our 3 yr old C Class 250 for the new 2014 version. Why is Mercedes so bent on keeping us in this perpetual state of confussion??! Chai! Dia Ris…….

    Reply
  10. Sarkin Yaki

    I find this satire elitist and snobbish. If the idea was to make us laugh, it failed in my opinion, it made me think…..yes, Range Rover over Corolla, DSTV over Star times, Samsungs over Tecnos, postcode envy, recipes for disaster, shadow over substance….

    Reply
  11. Sade

    Hahahahahah the worst thing is folks like Tega and co not getting that THIS. IS. SATIRE.
    If you can use the internet and live abroad then get the point…. THIS. IS. SATIRE.
    Meanwhile Anita wow!! Well done for sticking it out. What I take form this is men should not feel the need to lie and women should not be so gullible because like it or not, many stories exist of how these things break marriages. Better to enter with sense than to end up in NONSENSE.

    Reply
  12. Tope Fasua

    My names are Tope Fasua. You can google me too. I like Ruona’s writings and this is actually one of the less serious ones. Some of us guys will pick issues with you big time on this writing, Ruona. I think you only just moved to London a few years ago, and are protected cos you’ve a husband there. On the ground, London spares no one, and all those guys you dissed, are only being wise. A pound spend is a pound gone. And to make a pound is tough, dear. I don’t see this as a satire, except i don’t know what a satire means again. I see this as non-fiction. The reality from the eyes of Ruona. Some ladies will take her every word very serious. Some men too. I just think she is a bit too hard on some guys out there. You’ve to give people a chance. That said, i don’t live in London. I live in Naija. But i know ‘how far’…

    Reply
  13. Paul

    Tope Fasua I am related to Ruona by blood and must tell you that so long as she did not mention your name on this topic, you don’t have a right to talk about her life, whether you see it as satire or not, or you like her writing or not is of no concern to us. What has when she moved to the UK or her husband got to do with this piece? What kind of protection are you even talking of, as if you know her, when our daughter was in the UK and lived and worked in South Africa on her own for years before deciding to live in the UK with our inlaw. You don’t know anything so stay with the UK life you know please. Because, not all women who went to the UK are there because of their husbands so I will appreciate it if Sabi News people will put this comment up because knowing our daughter, she is not even going to read this, talk less of reply to it but as her family we will.

    Reply
  14. Sarkin Yaki

    Paul, Im sorry but you dont sound very matured. Tope did not say anything derogatory. What if HIS relatives come at you guns blazing. Stick to the nitty gritty.And what Tope said is right. I do not think she has experienced the real no-paddy-for-jungle-London. I have only been to London twice in my life, but Ive been to over 40 cities in 23 countries worldwide and still counting. This would not pass for healthy satire in most parts of the world.

    Reply
  15. Paul

    Sarkin Yaki you and Tope are the ones that are immature. Because you always pull people down because they are saying what you do not want to hear. It seems you all like to show you have been in London or you know London or you are on Google and have been jumping from city to city. Well, good luck to you. I repeat my statement: we do not care if you understand what satire is or what satire is not, even if you claim to know book. We do not care if you are pained because this is how you live in the cities you all run to. All we are saying is Ogheneruona’s life has nothing to do with this here, whether you like it or not, or admit it or not unless she mentioned your name then you are urinating in the wind, all of you. And all your relatives and those of Tope Fausa are free to come and use their internet to defend their sons; it is a free world. Face your life and let Ruona face her own. That is all.

    Reply
  16. Sarkin Yaki

    These are the times to half quote Maya Angelou. “My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy”

    Reply
  17. fatai

    am sure the writer of this article is not married!!!! this is the biggest rubbish I have ever read in my life and you took your time write this? go and get a proper job ma.

    Reply
    1. Emeka

      Fatai Rolling Coins hahahahahhaha na wa for you ooo you mean you took your time to read this??! Get a proper job sir! Nna men ife neme! Fake boys you all can be vexing while Ruona and SabiNews are getting hits and bagging audiences. See this guy. Dullings no good ooo!

      Reply
  18. Segun

    And you wonder why Naija boys go there and hook up with white girls who will share your crummy apartment and appreciate your Lebara cheap calls and just want to be loved and banged good. Continue with your poverty stricken,gold digging rant. Rubbish. Will you let your daughter stay with Startimes or DSTV? Retarded question and I am ashamed for you. Satirical or not this was a distasteful and offensive piece. Gbam!

    Reply
  19. ifeoma

    my dear i feel u ooo,i once dated a guy who claimed he was a lawyer in the uk,i got all excited tinking i had found mr right,but sometin about him was just off,he was always at home whenever we spoke so i decieded to do some background check,i found out not only was he a drug dealer but also a wanted fugitive,i was so disappointed…my point is why lie about yourself when u will eventually be found out,its hard to keep a lie in this days of technology.fake guys living fake lives

    Reply
  20. Elleebee

    I found the article very entertaining. I think it’s meant to be a satire and I enjoyed it. I lived in London for a year and I understood the how and whys for a lot of things. I used lyca and lebara for my international calls, even though I had a 3mobile, why would I dash them money? My hubby moved to a 2bedroom just before we came to join him and sky just didn’t work in that building (somewhere in thamesmead SE London) so he couldn’t transfer his sky there. I don’t know much about council flats but I wouldn’t recommend a guy in one of them to anyone. Also my hubby stayed in a shared apartment when we were dating, that’s pretty normal in the west so no biggie at all. London is tough financially and we returned to America in just one year. Personally I found it to be a place of limited opportunities. Ladies, if you are gonna join any boo in the UK just prepare to work, go to school for a uk friendly career like teaching and nursing, and forget the pictures you see on FB.

    Reply
  21. Annie Chukwu

    Hahahahahahhahah, you are so right Ruonah. Most of the guys in Jand are just fake ass boys. Visited London several times and am just amazed at all the lies they tell just to get a girl.

    well done girl, keep doing your thing. Xx

    Reply
  22. Mr Lewis

    Hi Ruonah,

    You may not remember me but you met me once in Aberdeen on Tega’s graduation. While your blog makes a good laugh, it’s very important to provide accurate information as well. I won’t join others by highlighting what is fact and what is not but as someone stated in her reply, you need to determine what you need and what you don’t. Tv habits, correspondence and ‘mobile tins’ are not the only yard sticks to determine how well someone is doing or if someone is ‘fake jand boy’ or not. A few of the comments are from people who have obviously never been to ‘hand’ or probably outside the UK and you should deb fair to them by providing accurate information whilst retaining the comical element of the blog.

    I fall within the 40% tax band, have a mortgage, loads of insurance, gym membership with Bannatynes, play golf once a month, travel out of the UK at least once a month and support 2 charities. I don’t have sky and I shop at ASDA and Morrissons. Not having sky or shopping at ASDA or Morrissons does not mean there’s ‘potential’ for me. I won’t go into what I do for a living or the car I drive, that would just make your readers hate me. And before you wander too far, I don’t use my credit card (credit limit is 5 digits if you must know) and neither do I have any loans I’m repaying.

    Anyone who lives in the UK, will know that with a 40% tax band, you must earn at least £35,000 per annum, a mortgage shows financial stability and choice of gym shows your taste, golf shows your social status, traveling shows your exposure and your diversity of friends and supporting charities shows that your disposable income is much. That I don’t have sky does not make me ‘fake’, it only shows that I won’t waste money on something I don’t have time to watch. And shopping at ASDA shows that it’s more convenient since they do online delivery, I don’t have to bother wasting time in the supermarket. All shops, except M&S and Waitrose, sell branded stuff and good quality stuff. Only difference it that ASDA will sell the same kellogg’s size and quality a few pennies cheaper than Tesco or Sainsbury’s but it’s not to say the quality will be a lot less.

    What you should advice your readers to do is to question their boy friends’ interests, work and things that actually show they genuinely want to know about the person. Besides, why would I work extra hard in the City and allow someone just sit in my house without laying a finger. It’s a partnership I’m afraid and not servitude!

    No hard feelings. Just expressing my opinion.

    I rest my case.

    Reply
    1. Elleebee

      On point Mr Lewis! We were in the 40% income bracket, my hubby was a software developer, I happily shopped at Asda, I used lebara for my international calls and we didn’t use Sky. At the end of the day, just get it right as a lady and know what you are bringing into a relationship. Jand offers no free lunch to anyone. Who says a guy with “sub par” earnings cannot make it with the right partner anyway?

      Reply
  23. Namo

    Nice write up by Ogheneruona, thats the only compliment the lady gets. The reality is that, as many have rightly said, life in UK no be beans. The guys that lie about their condition and all that, will lie whether they are in London or not. It pains me that in this day and age some ladies still look out for a guy that will break his back in the cold so they can sit back at home watching sky HD channels etc and using broadband all day. I guess the writer knows better, satire or not, I bet the underlining idea is not funny. Women are not supposed to be parasites but helpers,, not just to help waste limited resources like ruona writes. I lived ib Newcastle for almost two years, I abandoned my 2years visa and flew back. I never regret it because I feel more at rest here in lagos. My piece of mind, never set out to be a parasite, it never really works out well. There are two sides to a coin and remember true happiness and peace cannot be purchased.

    Reply
  24. Chioma

    Mr Lewis wow.
    You went as far as putting your life on social media claiming you know Ruona because of article??? See long post shaaaa jand boys want to die o. Why are you all so pained? SabiNews una don do sontin aha even the comments are now more funny than the write up sha. Choi. Naija boys keep crying on Internet while these guys get the hits. Maga.

    Reply
  25. dapo

    For girls in Naija trying to check out your man’s status, the only better check is really the Electoral poll, that will show you he is in UK legit and not running around dodging.

    All the rest about Sky, Lebara, electric key is misleading o! Many people use them as pure economic sense.

    If you self are finding rich man and you get conned by a fake guy, then you both deserve each other!!

    Yolo!

    Reply
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  27. Nnamdi

    This piece is actually disturbing, derisive but not satirical. The choice of discussion indicates the shallowing content of the Character of the Nigerian woman and even worse and even worse a consumer mentality unique to black people. I guess that is why there is no developed black nations. When u have women that feel justified ridiculing the struggles that build character instead of focusing on building strong partnership. I live in the US and studied in the best engineering program in the world and most of the most brilliant minds have gone through the same things you denigrate. Zuckerberg did share an apartment. The big question is what is important to you. Stupid girl. Find something better to write about.

    Reply
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  32. ken

    From my perspective,…I see the write-up as a very distasteful and offensive write-up … what is she trying to portray?…is she encouraging “gold digging?” by lambasting a poor life?…. or she trying to say that people who live a low life or rather people who are struggling don’t deserve a right to a good woman?…. outright rubbish really!!…. the most retarded aspect of her write-up was when she compared DSTV and STAR Times…. what nonsense….!!!… her mates are thinking of owning their own broadcast industry, she is there talking shit about somebodies existing company…
    If this peice was meant to discourage lies and fake life from bobos in the street… aha….I can give her kudos…but for her to be talking shit and mocking men who circumstancially have date with poverty is the the biggest curse she can render on her self!…
    I will quikly remind her that most of the world richest leaders once were poor and lived in poverty before they could find their route back up to stardom!!!

    Reply
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  34. Jamal

    I’m very sure you’ve not been to Abroad before ..Cos your points aint true and i guess you just a hater who has been denied visa several times ..Im sorry Loser You really need to get your Facts straight before coming on here to write Bull Shit …You just a low life who needs to get a life ..

    Reply
  35. Peter pan

    I must say this is the most uninteresting piece i have ever read. and if you feel your family members are the ones to be defending your lame article, its just unfortunate. yes there are a lot of low life Nigerian boys in the UK, but this article did not in any way serve its purpose. its so not funny, and it depicts a hungry, gold digging Nigerian girls mentality. im sure if they had given you the chance you would also say the guy does not drive in London or he drives a 97 Honda so he is a low life. i lived in London for 4 years and truthfully, (apart from the activities on Christmas) i dont know why i would buy a car when it is so expensive to manage one. my dear, your facts are so irritating (especially the sky, dstv and bla bla bla). then why would i be using a voda fone to call naija wen it cost almost 2pounds per minuet? even bill gates would use lebara or lyca.

    And what if he shares a flat? would u not start from somewhere? . i mean there are people that got married in their fathers houses in Nigeria and years later they have uncountable buildings all over the world. is it not when you come you guys would now come together to plan how to better your lives? if ur light stick finishes then get your lame ass outta the house and go get a 5 quid recharge and go out to get a JOB instead of looking for free bees. i seriously do not share your thought on this issue. its so lame.

    please if its hits you want on your website, try and be a little bit more creative in your writings because this writeup is not in anyway interesting. and you obviously can see from the amount of criticisms.
    N.B you say you are a “London person” im sure you know if the bbc gets a complain from ONE viewer about a program they air, they take the matter serious. Now im sure you have about 10 or more, which should by now have shown you the article does not serve its intent. So take that serious and stop trying to use your family members and well wishers to defend your absurd article because if its only them that find you interesting amongst 5billion people in the world, then you surely need a career change (probably babysit for one of them).

    Reply
  36. anonymous

    This is a very dumb write up i’m sorry. you call this satire? please go back to your dictionary again. Because as much as there are some good points in this, your also passing on the wrong message. Believe it or not we still have really ignorant girls in nigeria who think all these you’ve mentioned are the most relevant in relationship, coming to London to watch tv? are you being serious are you that useless in life? no values or aspirations like for real?. Yes guys shouldn’t lie about their financial status, at the same time a girl shouldn’t judge a guy by if he calls her with a lebara line like WTF!. I’m a girl I’ve lived in London for 5years and the guys that come here to suffer honestly irritate me, but what gets me more upset are the ignorant girls they bring from Nigeria to join them. why would a guy flash wealth you know nothing about and that would fascinate you? Girls please educate yourselves!!! Well with that being said, what I’m trying to pass on here is, is either the writer of this post doesn’t know the meaning of a satire or your just trying so hard to be funny, because so many dumb girls will take this dumb advice you have laid out and use it and that is sad.

    Reply
  37. Solape

    Ruona! Ruona! Ruona! How many times did I call you? You need to keep that your crowbar in your mouth, permanently o. Abeg people, make una sorry o. Ruona no go do am again, na small pikin dey worry am o. Lol. #okbye

    Reply
  38. Queenie Arthur

    Abeg, abeg, abeg!!!! That “the weather gives us fresh skin” line no apply to everybody ooo!!!

    There was this guy who got on my case two years ago. We got talking and things got “hot” between us. I asked him to come down for close up inspection as I no dey for story.

    Long story short, I went to pick him from the airport one May morning in 2012 and got the shock of my life! He looked older than he said he was, wore faded clothes and his skin was as dry as coconut shell.

    Omo, I provoke! I told him he is either older than he let on or he is cheap and can’t take care of him! His jeans were faded to Sonoma! His Tshirts cheap and ill fitting!

    When I mentioned his lack of style and decent clothes, he went “This is how we dress in New York where I come from. If you wear blue jeans in New York, then it means you are guy”!!!!

    I shouted him down “taaaaaaaaaaaaa”!!!! No be this New York wey other Naija guys dey go every day???? So I called a cab to drop him off at his “hotel”….that travellers lodge by the right if you are on your way into Town.

    But I made sure to collect the iPad, phone and handbags he bought for me. Those are to speed up my recovery ‘cos I was traumatised! I took pictures of his jeans, worn out traveling bag and Tshirts. I still have them on my phone till date as a constant reminder! “Shudder”

    Reply
  39. enajyte

    Lawd have mercy! Shey na satire na im people dey swallow kpomo put? It’s a
    ‘tongue in cheek’ piece. In what language does the writer have to say it? Chinese? I found this hilarious. Because I’m not stupid. She’s making fun of people that actually use these criteria for selecting overseas bobo.

    And for all those insulting the writer, you just inspired me to write a piece about stuck-ups and idiots.

    Reply
  40. Pingback: Naija Babes and lies!! Signs to Look Out For if Your Bobo Says Come Join Me in ‘Paradise’! | GhenGhen Hub

  41. Toyin Adepoju

    True, the writer says she was speaking tongue in cheek, meaning, she was not completely serious.

    Does the style of presentation of the piece justify that claim?

    Is there anything in the piece that would lead a reader to see the essay as tongue in cheek?

    Is the declaration of tongue in cheek intention at the conclusion of the essay enough to justify the description of the essay as tongue in cheek?

    Does the noble goal of the essay, to educate Nigerian girls about lies of would be husbands in England, not doggedly pursued in the essay in a way that looks thoroughly serious, with no sense of irony or double meanings?

    The essay looks more credible to me as a serious, unsatirical essay.

    I am yet to see anything in the essay that suggests the writer has any agenda apart from her stated goal of pointing out the lies of some Nigerian men in England.

    Thanks to all who pointed out the limitations of the essay if it is to be taken as a completely serious statement.

    Reply
  42. Lou Shore

    ROTFL… This is so funny. I love your sense of humour which transfers very well to the way you write. Go girl.
    Regarding the material, you are on point. But we still love our men never-the-less.

    Reply
  43. Ned Obiora

    This write up ridicules struggling, and is in bad taste. The readers obviously do not appreciate it. I don’t, either.
    Tongue-in-cheek, or not, I got the sense of a poor approach reading through. The approach of a parasitic mindset. A satirical balancing act ridiculing the woman expecting ‘Jand Parasdise’ needed to have been included, to make it a convincing satire.
    Maybe, the readers wouldn’t be so peeved if the writer acknowledged this. After all, we learn everyday.

    Reply
  44. VioAnne

    I no be Naija but haven’t laughed like this in a loooooong time. Judging by the comments, which made it even more hilarious, you certainly touched a raw nerve! I am watching this space for similar First Class Humour 🙂 and will force-learn the pidgin as I go along!

    Reply
  45. Naijawomaninjand

    This is a misguided article masquerading as satire abeg. Satire is meant to be a humorous form of constructive crticism and yes I could find humour, and plenty of criticism but not much of anything constructive. There was nothing tongue-in-cheek about the article. The sense I got from it was someone displaying half-baked knowledge of the UK and attempting to use it to intimidate women with less knowledge of the UK and are perhaps considering getting with a UK-based guy.

    Others have addressed the TV issue so I won’t even go there. On addresses, some people choose to keep their names on the voting register at a different address to where they live. I’m one – I don’t live too far from my parents so I never took my name off the voting register at home. If you searched my address you wouldn’t find me on the roll. You wouldn’t know this Ruona, I’m guessing but CRAs (Credit Rating Agencies) rate you better if you have maintained one address over a long time and they get their info from the ER so instead of changing addresses everytime I’ve moved away from home to Uni, then to work in various cities, and then back home then to getting my own place….I Just keep it simple by using the family address. Lots of people would do the same.

    Speaking of credit ratings, let me segue into the contract phone thingy. I’m afraid you’ve got it all twisted, honey. It is NOT TRUE that the “best kind of Jand guys buy their gadgets upfront”. It might not make sense to someone with a Nigerian mentality, but you are actually more credible if you can get a phone – any phone of your choice, particularly the high end ones on contract. The phone companies are in effect saying – we trust that you can pay, we have checked with the CRAs and you have a good score. It tends to be those who can’t get credit for love nor money that go ahead and buy their mobile phones upfront. Not always , but most times that is the case.

    Now, back to pre-paid keys for your bobo’s energy supplies, you also probably didn’t know that it is credit-rating related too; paying using a pre-paid key is more expensive so of course a stingy person wouldn’t choose that option, what happens is that most people who fall into this category of pre-paid malarkey either have poor credit ratings so the energy companies don’t want to take the risk and wouldn’t let them pay monthly or quarterly bills like everyone else, or they just do not know!!! You’d be amazed at the things people don’t know they could be benefitting from in this place.

    One last tip on the issue of council flats (and houses), your experience is probably of council properties in run down areas. Try St John’s wood, Brent, Westmister and the City. Take a gander across to Twickenham and Richmond, and if you have some spare time duck into kensington and chelsea. Come back and tell me about the council properties in those areas. Let me save you the hassle – nothing like what you described. Those properties are posh and well kept and if you wanted to buy any of them under the right-to-buy schemes, they will cost you a pretty penny too, so don’t knock them.

    Like I said – funny but rather poitless article, because it was neither fully factual nor satirical as it claimed to be.

    Reply
  46. Ade

    I am British by birth, that means I was born in the United Kingdom. I am Nigerian by heritage, which means a least one of my parents were born in Nigeria. As luck would have it though both of them were. I carry passports from both countries.

    I have lived and worked in the United Kingdom, Canada, Denmark, and for the last fifteen years, Nigeria. For now, at least I wouldn’t have it any other way. Ebola might change that though.

    Anyway, now having given context to my views, let me say that the funny thing is that it’s all so true, all of it. Including the success stories.

    I used to advise people about staying in Nigeria or leaving for other climes, to look at their backgrounds in Nigeria, to make the right assessment.

    If your father, or mother, retired the equivalent of a bank manager or above, your prospects are most probably better in Nigeria than the United Kingdom. If not, the opposite is true.

    Why?

    Two things. Firstly access to a network of people who can “make it happen for you”, and secondly access to credit.

    In Nigeria you need access to a network of people to get on in life easily, as there is no easy credit.

    In the UK you can forgoe the network, and progress through the judicious use of easy credit. So you can be a night watch guard today, and own a let to buy five years later, all without stealing.

    As for Nigerians who do have access to a network of people that can assist, progress is usually much faster in Nigeria than living in the United Kingdom, despite it being much more expensive to live in Nigeria, at least Lagos or Abuja, than it is living in London.

    The funny thing is this is the same for the British, and Europeans, living there too. Which is why a lot of them are migrating to other climes.

    There is a saying that goes like this.

    “The poor support their parents, the middle class use their parents as a safety net, and borrow from them, while the rich are supported by their parents”.

    It is true, no matter what country you are in. The difference being you can be in one category in one country, while being in a completely different category in another country.

    Which brings me back to why despite, having lived on three continents, and by birth having the opportunity to migrate to almost anywhere I wish, I’ve ended up in Nigeria.

    To put it simply, I am better off here, and having travelled and worked abroad extensively, I really do know that, for me, me the grass is not greener on the other side. Especially as the grass is just disguising a green swamp, that will suck me down without a trace if I should jump off the fence on to it.

    Have a nice, informed day!

    Reply
  47. Gimbiya

    me i no know road to jand but i know that this writeup does not have any advice in it. why should nigerian babes not go to London by themselves? and if a boyfriend is taking her why should she go checking for shadows? mtchew.. all that should matter is that she loves the bobo whether na for shelter he dey sleep each night. He could have taken his brothers you know. me am going there by myself cause am an independent naija babe. # ehen paul, abeg leave family no bring am here na for una family meeting she post the stuff?

    Reply
  48. Baby

    Satire indeed…..the issues you used yo back up your article were just so pointless….the only thing I see here is don’t get carried away with all guys who live abroad say cos u can’t verify anything…….when you talk read between the lines, listen more and if u have someone who can check them out by all means do…..living abroad is not a bed of roses though has some advantages u don’t get back in naija…..it is only in naija people get rich quick….so coming here be ready to start somewhere except the guy has been here for long and has paid half of the dues for you too…..if u don’t get carried by sweet talk you will notice holes in their stories..

    Reply
  49. Chioma Onyemaa

    Using lebara to make international calls doesn’t mean one is poor. I used to have a contract with Vodafone and moved over to Three when the former refused to cap my bill. You can still have a contract and use Lebara and its likes for international calls.

    Reply
  50. Pingback: News: LOL: Naija Babes, Don’t Come & Suffer In Jand By Ruonah Agbroko Meyer | toyeenbalogun

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