NAIJA BABES, DON’T COME AND SUFFER IN JAND by Ruonah Agbroko Meyer
Dear Nigerian girls, it’s time to wake up and smell the kunu! Why? Because many of your predecessors now litter the streets, parties, churches and workplaces of London complaining to everyone, including complete strangers, about how they were tricked by men into “coming to suffer in jand.”
This is one area where ignorance is grief, not bliss. And so, if you have a bobo in Jand who is asking you to come over and join him in paradise, here are specific signs you have to look for, to be sure that his net worth equals his current bed-worth.
- His house
He says he lives in London; don’t get all relaxed because no be like dat. Ask him where exactly, and try to visit, or ask him to show you around via Skype. If he lives in a council flat you’ll know; they often look somewhat like 1004 flats, with none of the prestige or famous tenants like Tiwa Savage.
If you visit and discover that the area smells then it is likely to be a council flat because, often, the trash is never collected on time. Now go inside. If the guy says he lives alone, look about for his pictures. If there are none and if the guy isn’t comfortable showing you the kitchen on Skype, or he leads you to chill in the room throughout your stay, then he is in a glorified “room-and-parlour” situation, aka flat-share. Electricity bills are also important. If you see none, then “there is problem.” It means your boo is definitely sharing the flat with others and therefore they pay for electricity using a pre-paid stick, just like a recharge card. The problem with this is that you may marry into that house and one day, while you are having a bath the light, water and everything else will go off because your oga or flatmates cannot pay. Even worse is if your oga-to-be has no flatmates but decides to use a pre-paid stick; that definitely confirms he is Ebenezer Scrooge. Be wise. So that cold no go kill you. Ehen, here is a picture of the stick and payment cards, so you can recognise it if you see it in his flat or in a picture.
- TV habits
In my dating years I avoided guys who didn’t have Cable TV. Don’t judge me biko. Who would you encourage your daughter to date; someone who has StarTimes or someone who has DSTV? Oho!
In Jand, the equivalent of DSTV is Sky TV – full Sky subscription costs £807 annually. Any guy willing to shell that out is a keeper; he appreciates the finer things of life, and the channels will keep you busy and happy when you move to Jand. You’ll still be able to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians and TLC. But be aware, there is a cheaper Sky subscription, which doesn’t give you movies and sports, costing £258 annually. Give such guys a miss and take the man who has Virgin Media TV with TiVo because this is better, even if with fewer channels. The best men use the full package of broadband and telephone calls – it shows they don’t do things by half. So when you relocate, you won’t suffer from lack of internet and can update your Facebook and Instagram every second with those #IwokeUpLikeThis selfies.
Again, here is a picture of the distinctive Sky box and remote control to help your hustle.
*In addition, steer clear of guys who only watch “catch-up TV” on their iPads. It shows they don’t even have a TV, much less Sky at home. RUN from a guy who has letters warning him he will be prosecuted for not paying his TV license. These types are either illegal immigrants hoping to soon disappear from their current address or worse; they own flat screen TVs and use Sky but won’t pay for a TV license because as ELdee warned us already; all na wash. Remove those Louboutins and…TAKE OFF.
Forget passports; visas can be faked. To get an accurate grasp of his immigration status and living arrangements, say you want to send him a letter from Nigeria and get his address. Once you have a postcode, you can search online on the electoral roll (our voters’ register in Jand) to see if the guy lives alone, or is shacking up with someone else (real wife or flatmate).
Why the electoral roll? Because it not only confirms the address, it shows that the bobo has some claim to Jand. To be on the electoral roll, you have to be a British citizen or a UK resident. Even better is to google the dates of elections in Jand and ask him in conversation if he will vote, then proceed to shriek with delight and tell him to take a selfie with his letter of notification. If you are visiting, sift through his post…you will see such documents and then you can breathe.
- Mobile phone tinz
Finally, take note during those long calls he makes to you in Nigeria where he says he loves you more than his mother. If he continues to complain about “network,” innocently ask him what service provider he uses. If he says 02, Vodafone, EE then all is well. The minute he says “Lebara,” then be aware you may have a stingy cheapskate on your hands.
Lebara is some provider that gives free minutes to Nigeria and is basically for the masses, who only tolerate the shitty network because of the “1,000 free minutes.” If he is so keen on CUTTING COSTS that he sticks with Lebara then he is probably CUTTING SHOWS and using the free minutes to call other ladies because they do free minutes to Ghana as well. Just saying.
And regarding the actual handset, be wary of any guy who visits Nigeria with tons of phones for sale, which all need unlocking. Clearly he has taken out numerous contracts on those phones and is living off credit. The best kind of guys in jand buy their gadgets upfront, with no fuss, no debt. You gerrit?.
If you visit, check for such contracts and bills. You might as well keep an eye out for bank statements because you can’t go wrong with those.
Again, you can also quickly look at the type of grocery bags in the house. If they are from Waitrose and M&S, then marry the guy. If his bags show he shops at ASDA and Morissons, there’s potential. For those who only shop at Poundland and Iceland, I suggest you do an Usain Bolt, except you are NOT allergic to poverty.
So, there you have it, ladies. You can see that I have gone to great detail to save you lot from all these wash-wash jand guys. Don’t be fooled by their fresh skin (the weather gives it to us all for free) and don’t get carried away by their pot-bellies straining against TM Lewin shirts (food is cheap and they wait till TM Lewin does sales).
Oh no, stop it, don’t thank me. You’re welcome, sha.
Now, can you please return the favour? I can’t seem to remember where I kept my crowbar (I mean the one I always use to extricate my tongue from my cheek).
See you next week.