This week is for the Nigerian woman who is planning to marry an Oyinbo man and may soon end up in Jand/Europe. Your seniors in this hustle, aka the Oyinbo Wives Association have sent me to you. Yes, because you cannot just come and fall their hand and ruin their reputations, okay?
Did you just say Kini Big Deal? Well, clearly you must have just woken up from a coma if you do not know that Oyinbo Wives are the next best thing since sliced masa; I mean…after the Nigerian politician and Nigerian writer, they are the next celebrities that should be worshipped and adored. After all, is it easy to be the wife of a Caucasian/White Man?
Come again? You had no idea there was an Oyinbo Wives Code of Conduct? Well, that is how the virgin had no idea why Oga wanted to dance until she entered the maternity ward!
Being an Oyinbo wife is an art. So if you don’t want all these haters without Oyinbo husbands to continue being all up in your case like a tongue all up in a French kiss, then keep reading.
Get online, waka offline…or both
To find a white husband you have to know where to look, No one goes to a church to buy gbana, abi?
If you have more than weav-on and braids on your skull and can use the internet then familiarise yourself with adultfriendfinder.com, afroinfroductions.com. Plenty plenty oyinbo men are online, looking for a black princess such as your gorgeous self. Be warned sha; this is a bit like shopping on ASOS; all the good stuff may be available online but when it comes to delivery time the product may be as disappointing as expecting Taye Diggs, and ending up with Mr Ibu.
If seeing is believing then o’girl, best you climb okada, catch a cab, drive yourself and enter the place. If you are interested in a full list of places in Nigeria where you can meet oyinbo then leave a comment with your current location and I will get back to you.
Oh don’t mention my dears; it’s my absolute pleasure, as a true advocate for racial cohesion and social mobility.
You sef, make become oyinbo na!!!
So now you’ve gotten your own white boyfriend who will hopefully graduate into an oyinbo husband, well, now’s the time to become one with your guy. You may now proceed to start bleaching the Nigerian out of your skin. Before the Egyptian milk from Lekki or the Iya Bisola cream from Surulere begins working, make sure you start wearing blonde hair extensions. Take note that dyeing your hair blonde to blend-in with the weave-on is not compulsory. In fact, nothing announces your upgrade to being an Oyinbo wife more than your black hair sitting atop the blonde weave-on, and the longer your weaves, the more authentic your status. With time, people will be too dazzled by your “phonay” and Oyinbo wife swag to see your tribal marks or dark knuckles.
So if you have to scrimp, save or put in some extra time in the bedroom with our in-law, then do it because you cannot wear anything less than 30-inch Brazilian hair and 12-inch stilettos o.
Ignore the Federal Ministry of Health
Take up smoking. Yes, you heard me right. What does the FDA or The Ministry of Health know about how Oyinbo wives roll? I mean…everyone knows that in Oyinbo marriage, the couple that smokes together stays together! Any doubts you have should evaporate when you think of how cool and exposed you’ll look in all those Instagram and Twitter pictures where you are blowing a cloud of smoke from a Cuban or a cigarillo into the camera, preferably with a nightclub in Monaco captured in the background.
If you don’t have the liver, or your oyinbo is financially challenged then stick to a daytime picture of you sharing a shisha pipe (and herpes) with total strangers in Dubai or something.
But I would really push for proper, full-time inhale-and-blow-circles-in-the-air smoking because this helps with the next rule of the Oyinbo Wife hustle…boniness.
Go lepa or go kinky…or go home
Have you ever seen a white man have a long marriage with a fat woman? Well, that’s your answer… and no, I don’t mean an open marriage either. To become a real Oyinbo Wife you need to be really scrawny and bony, or at least have the decency to be in a constant battle with your weight. As discussed, smoking might help but a lot of members of the Oyinbo Wives Association swear by starvation. Be aware that phrases like: “taking up hubby’s culture in the kitchen,” or “he doesn’t like Nigerian food” are other names for starvation.
If you cannot be bony to the point of wearing the same clothes you wore at age 12, then you have to cover up this inadequacy by being a kinky wife. Threesomes, S&M, orgies…best you push for all this to make sure you spice up the marriage and retain your last name because all oyinbo men want you either skinny or kinky. Trust me. Just help your hustle and…trust me.
Dress to depress
You cannot dress like other women o. You dare to ask why? Haven’t you learnt anything at this stage? How else will you look different from those without oyinbo husbands for goodness’ sake? Regardless of how much you weigh, you need to wear things that will send your Church elder father and Deaconess mother into a spiral of depression. Because tattoos on the left breast have been overdone by Yoruba actresses, to stand out as an Oyinbo wife, you need to also pierce your ears, between your nostrils and other unmentionables. Next, tell Mama the weather is too hot and wear a pair of hot pants. Then even in the blazing sun, wear knee-length boots to show you are now different and levels don change. When you travel the world in your duty as an Oyinbo wife, please do not let such a little thing as comfort get in the way. Hand your bawling baby to the relatives who have assembled to see their superstar off and strut all over Murtala Muhammed airport in your boots and see-through tops. Yes, as an Oyinbo wife see-through tops are necessary so everyone knows your nipples have finally met your waistband.
Take advantage of the help…and the exchange rate
Speaking of travelling, whether you are in the girlfriend stage, or the live-in booty call hoping to get hitched and relocate, make use of the advantages of hooking up with an Oyinbo man while still in Nigeria. Be sure to enjoy the fully-serviced residences for that may be the only chance you get to live in Ikoyi and Maitama. Pose well with the official chauffeurs that ferry you in air-conditioned four wheel drives to expat kids’ birthdays and the usual wives and girlfriends meet-ups. Relish the times when you yell at the maid to take off your shoes, fetch your Blackberry and arrange your wardrobe according to colour at the same time.
Ensure the personal cooks earn their keep by making you fresh meals five times a day and all that…because Jand is no respecter of the coins your husband has, which only look like millions because of the bloody Naira exchange. The minute you leave Nigeria, the soundtrack to your life will be SHAKARA DON END by Kanmi Ranky.
So there you have it; go forth, keep calm and MARRY OYINBO MAN, as we say in Jand.
I’m off to find my crowbar…yes, there’s a certain tongue that requires prying from a cheek.
See you next week.