There’s no need for the crowbar this week.
If you’re reading this on your phone, on the way home from the New Year’s eve party that turned into a 1st of January booty call, then be careful you don’t get distracted and baptise your shoes with human vomit or dig shit…this Jand snow can also be an efficient camouflage for used condoms.
If you’re still in Nigeria then continue to enjoy the hangover from last night, please quickly read this before your data plan finishes, or your battery dies because as an “away someborry” you kuku don’t know how to switch on the generator. It’s important you read this before the freshly made meals, the yam and peppersoup, the jollof rice, fried meat, suya soon to come distract you.
If you’re at home in Jand, then I’m sure that like me, you are a tad overweight, possibly from going to Naija for the holidays and eating everything your awe-struck relatives put in front of you, their Britico star. OR your excess weight comes from indulging in the Christmas sales of cheap food and being holed up indoors by the snow. Either way, it’s time to switch on the telly and start paying attention to the lovely adverts informing you of your options to borrow more if you want to pay up the Christmas debt you racked up.
If you’ve been reading this column, then you know we had a good 8 months of dissecting Jand in the past year. There is no need for you to wail about poverty in Jand; you’ve been let in on the secret of how to be a Nigerian Student Activist; How to be a Nigerian writer; How to hammer as an Oyibo wife and even if your calling is a Nigerian spouse you have no excuse so you don’t end up in a Five Years A Slave situation or with a guy who has no Sky.
If you’ve paid attention every Thursday, then you now know what questions to expect from your fellow Nigerians, you even know how to dress as a JJC and what to do as a JJC so these oyibo people do not see you finish. If the spirit of Bend Down Select has not left you, Janded Jives has had your back and provided you with help on how to know where to hit; if your goal has been to always be British this column has also respected your hustle and shown you the traits that make you British, whether or not they give you pali.
Because of my love for you all ehn, see I even became your messenger, telling the people at home these things you Jand-gerians are afraid to tell them. And when they got angry, I delivered their message on the things Nigerians at home really wanted you to know. I even sent myself the work wey nobody send me and told oyinbo people to know exactly How To Piss off A Nigerian so they do not ever try it, after collecting our visa money.
An amazing number of you have shown this love back, in your comments, in emails, on Twitter…and so to my loyal readers it is with great sadness I write my last Janded Jives column for Sabinews. Jungle don mature and hustle don diversify, so I am moving out of this una Jand o! What’s that? You’re asking where I’m relocating to? Haba, make I talk here make Internet winch spoil runs? No na, abeg.
So my people, it’s bye bye to small small doll-baby house wey cost pass anything, country of trouser-saggers and politicians wey dey give beggar 2p (N530).
I’ll miss you guys. Terribly.
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