We can no longer get some worthy news reportage when we turn on the television, pick up a newspaper or switch on our gadgets until we have first listened to how some guy trekked from Lagos to Abuja (via Minna) without breaking a sweat or how some other dude has left Taraba for Abuja. Now they are even trekking from Abuja to Otuoke and so on and so forth? Obviously, the women folk are struggling not to be left behind in all this trekking brouhaha. They however seem to overlook the fact that the saying is, “what a man can do, a woman can do better” and the only lady “trekkist” involved in all this madness is trekking just from Mararaban Jos in Kaduna to Abuja.
We are supposed to “do better” than the men, nne! You should be trekking from Nigeria to South Africa and then we will know how serious you are. But it is baffling though, did we just transit back into the dark ages? Is this a sign of retrogression? Worse things to come? Trekking ke? Very soon we are going to throw away our cell phones and return to communicating through drumbeats and smoke signals. Maybe even use a town crier instead of twitter to announce the birth of the next Presidential baby. Oh wait, Prince William and Kate already beat us to the town crier ish.
See ehn, this trekking thing is getting old. It is too “higi haga” now. We will soon hear how someone else has set off to trek across the 1st Niger bridge in order to celebrate Stella Oduah; or will ride a bicycle along the 3rd Mainland Bridge in order to celebrate the non-dumping of all Nigerians of indeterminate origin who thought Jaykay was OK into the lagoon; and all the non-news would elicit from us will be a yawn. A major, jaw breaking, yawn. It is time to get innovative with all these empty, attention seeking moves – let us break the “gasp” barrier.
This week and this week only, I am offering for free to all the social climbers who need a cheap way to seek fame in an internet minute, some innovative tips on easy to pull off gimmicks for the easily deceived gullible Nigerian to applaud…
1. Swim to Otuoke: The way I look at it, most of those engaged in empty theatrics so far have been the Buharists, and they have chosen trekking as their means of transportation because… (Come on, I know you can do it, it is an easy answer). So, to all the Jonathanians reading this, we need to show them that we sef no fall from sky. We need to quickly get someone to swim from Jabi Lake Abuja, to Otuoke because… (come on, why else?).
Please, do not worry about documenting your trip, we will take a snapshot of you diving into Jabi Lake fully clothed, then take another of you emerging from the creeks, wearing a smile and not even showing a single sign of having embarked on such a potentially tortuous expedition. You can then proceed to tell the press how you ran into pirates along the route who upon hearing about your “noble mission”, dashed you N2,000 out of their stolen loot for transportation, sorry, teleportation.
2. Fly to Ikwerre to assist the incumbent governor drown his sorrows in a gourd of palm wine. You see, when I say “fly”, I don’t mean you should get an airline ticket. We are Nigerians and we have only one legitimate, locally endorsed and generally accepted means of flying. Otherwise known as “Fly by Night”! “Air Force One”! “Flying without wings”. If you decide to go via this means, please remember to watch out for high tension electricity conducting cables or else, you would end up attracting the wrong type of newspaper coverage.
3. Ride a Camel from Cross Rivers State to Kebbi. Why? Just Because…
Well, actually, if you were one of those ladies that kept screaming about how you suddenly fell in love with the INEC commissioner Attahiru Jega for conducting a “free and fair” erec, sorry o, elections and keeping calm in the midst of hurricane Orubebe; then this one is for you. Jega is from Kebbi State so you can not only achieve cheap popularity for surviving the ancient mode of transportation, you can also present your letter of interest to Jega personally. Oh, you would also be traveling via a means as yet unexplored by the men and Cross River to Kebbi is statistically further than Lagos to Abuja. “What a man can do…” things!
Whichever you decide to explore remember to take the longest possible and most circuitous route to your destination. For example, flying by night from Abuja to Rivers State, first make a detour through Kano where you will be received at the Emir’s palace, then stop over at Enugu, we will arrange for one of the chiefs to meet you there. Remember to watch out for the Nepa wires o! hian!
Why? Because. Just because.
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