August 19, 2017

Not too young to run, just too foolish to be taken seriously! – Viola Okolie

Not too young to run, just too foolish to be taken seriously! – Viola Okolie
I was ecstatic in the wake of the passage of the #NotTooYoungToRun bill by the Senate.

Feeling that the house would easily give a two thirds majority assent and Buhari would be able to sit up long enough to nod, I felt like “this was it”.

For long, we had consistently yabbed ourselves about the propensity to prefer otimkpu positions for little crumbs that would fall off the table of power. We wailed about how we were not being allowed a shot at administering this country by those who had been kept busy recycling power from one hand to the other.
We complained that like old wine in new skins, our brains were about to explode from the strain of containing the excellent ideas we had, and when we got tired of complaining and wailing, we fell back to our age long hobby of blaming the elders for everything we could think of.
And finally, finally, we were almost at the threshold of being able to aspire for any office we felt qualified to hold and what happened?
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I am a big fan of animations, I believe they hold a whole lot more lessons than one can imagine, if you go beyond watching them for the entertainment value.
But Despicable Me, I could swear that that was one animation that was just there to have you howling with laughter over the silly antics of Gru and his clueless minions.
In a nutshell: Gru is a villain and he achieves his villainy with the help of hundreds of thousands of bumbling yellow, pill shaped minions who communicate mainly in gibberish.
We first meet the minions in Despicable Me 1, follow them and Gru around in Despicable Me 2 where some of them are turned into iron gnawing zombie minions and then, there is a Minion Movie that focuses on the minions and tries to  show us how they got to be Gru’s sidekicks.
They are always in search of a villain to serve and as soon as they find a bigger, badder villain than their current master, they switch loyalties. Gru’s villainy is yet to be matched by any other evil genius, and so, they seem to be stuck on him.
Okay so somewhere in the Minion Movie, three minions help the Queen of England recover her crown and in appreciation, she decides to hand out gifts to the three of them.
First to Minion Bob, the Queen gives a tiny replica crown for his teddy bear Tim; Minion Kevin is knighted; but Minion Stuart who has always rocked a ukulele and longed for more, was first pranked with a snow globe gift, then gifted a real life electric guitar.
Suddenly, he had in his hands all he had ever longed for and what did he do with it?
He starts out playing well and then gets carried away by the spirit of rock and roll, and after a brief head banging session, he smashes the guitar repeatedly against the floor, totally destroying it.
Left with a now useless piece of scrap, Stuart walks up to the Queen and snatches out the initial snow globe he had rejected from her and walks off the stage, muttering.
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Not too young to run.
Almost as soon as the Senate passes the bill, Nigerian “yoot” decide to prove to them that yes, while they were not too young to run, they were simply too foolish to be entrusted with the responsibility of administering the lives and future of a country as deeply mired in so many conundrums, as Nigeria.
First it was Terry Gee, whose campaign posters declare that he would be contesting for both governor and deputy governor, all at the same time and ends with threatening “everything will be fair and legalized but if I don’t win, there will be problem”; then it was Vic O, the non musician, he of the “After Parry” non-fame who wants to be governor of Cross River State.
Just like his music career which failed to launch in spite of his threat to drop a “diss tape for don jazzy if he doesn’t collabo with him,” his career is just not interested in rising above ground level. His political career seems to also have been dead on arrival. Especially since he declares in his own words, “I’m wanna rule for free. & to save the State.”
Poor Cross River State.
One is almost tempted to ask, “who grammar epp? Make we kuku give this onye isi nkuka the state to “konteeliu” from where others stopped ruining it” but for the fact that Onyeisinkuka himself also wants to contest for something.
In my very own beloved Anambra State, Waga G Ekezie alias Onyeisinkuka wants to contest for Governor.
His promise to the hardworking and illustrious people of Anambra State?
“Oringo continues after al.”
See ehn, it is not funny at all, I sincerely hope that you are not laughing there…
Now to crown all of this, one Nigerian human sometimes known as Eddie Bongoz, decided to throw his shirt into the ring (literally), and run for President. He was not going to play in the little leagues with all those ndị isi nkuka ị had mentioned earlier.
Mba nụ.
He was a larger boy and wanted to play in the big leagues.
President or nothing.
And so, after a hearty meal of two wraps of kwale’s finest weed plus one jumbo wrap of oshogbo special, this pally decided to tow the line of that Aunty from Europe that wanted to run for President and make a video.
You see where I started by saying he threw his shirt in the ring? Well, it wasn’t just his shirt.
First the shirt, then his jeans and then his dross… This Bros, while waving a Nigerian flag, stripped himself nude. Live. WHILE EXPRESSING HIS INTEREST TO BE PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY.
YES.
YOUR COUNTRY.
Ndị not too young to run.
Tụfịakwa unu.
And as if that was not bad enough, his fellow yoot watching that total display of madness, were more concerned about the size of his pingolo, than the fact that a youth who wanted to be President of Nigeria – perhaps taking up the one quota allocated to the youth – acted like he needed a looooooooooong stint at the nearest hard drugs rehabilitation centre.
Not that this little piece of trivia will advance the useless plot any further, but in order to buttress his point, Eddie Bongoz smashed an egg on live video.
*scratching my dada*
See ehn, the elders you all have been struggling to overthrow would be sitting somewhere laughing at you all and waiting for you to self destruct so they can tear up the bill and do ajuwaya; since like Stuart the Minion with his guitar, you are destroying everything you have yearned and worked hard for, all by yourself.
Not too young to run? Would YOU reading this, entrust your baffroom slippers to these characters? Would you trust them  to hold your used toothpick while you go on an errand and come back? Would you feel comfortable if you saw them hanging around the spit you spat on the ground?
Tụfịakwa unu ncha.
I have never been happier with the universally accepted definition of youth and that I am well out of the age band, than I was watching these characters.
Where have they all been hiding?
Why now? Why are they all crawling out of the woodwork now? But for the fact that I am not such a big fan of conspiracy theories, I would have insisted the elders set these ones up to it to prevent any sane human being passing the bill into law.
Tụfịakwa unu biko.
This is beyond bizarre to say the least.
Dear Nigerian “Yoot”, you may not be too young to run, but with the crop of people jumping out to lend credence to the timeliness of that bill, you may just be allowing these ones give off the impression that you are just too foolish to be taken seriously!
Daalụ nụ.
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(link to video of Eddie Bongoz stripping nude…https://youtu.be/zg65yqwk7
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