Unlike the Abuja Big Boys, the Abuja Big Girl actually exists and is the dream and aspiration of every young man with prospects (read koboless or almost koboless) who lives in and around Abuja. Truth be told, for every man who says “every girl in Abuja is a runs babe”, he has probably been near emasculated by an Abuja Big Girl and therefore has decided the best way to massage his annihilated ego is to cloak all ladies in Abuja under the toga of runs girl .
But not every Abuja Big Girl is a runs girl just like not every runs girl is an Abuja Big Girl. So, dear young man, read this before you pack your designer Ghana must go bags and prepare for that road trip to Abuja in search of “greener pastures” (actually feel free to read that as “in search of an Abuja Big Girl to leech off on”).
- The Abuja Wife: She is single and rich, stinkingly so, and can be identified from her fast rides, expensive labels and posh look with absolutely nothing to prove that she is in any form of formal employment or enterprise. All na wardrobe allowance things and even though she knows there is no prospect for her in the relationship since her benefactor already has a family back home, she is content with being the Abuja wife and chopping oga’s money (after helping him to deduct school fees and housekeeping allowance for his family back home). The Abuja wife has a good heart.
Until the day Oga’s original wife arrives Abuja with her twins strapped to her back, a pestle in her right hand and a bevy of friends to enforce the “stay off my husband” rule, this one never ready to marry anybody or anything.
But since oga is a two minute man and has probably never heard of the word “cunnilingus” and even then thinks it is beneath him to go down on a woman, this grade of Abuja Big Girl is always on the prowl, seeking for gigolos who will suck on demand.
So, when aunty collects money for services rendered to oga, she gives some to her small boy for services rendered and he in turn has a small girl somewhere whom he also maintains for services rendered, etc etc. A vicious cycle that is only broken when Oga loses his election or appointment; or the original madam arrives from whichever town oga abandoned her in with a bucket of acid.
Abeg, original madams, please think of all the people you will render jobless when you appear out of nowhere to come and claim your man, and remain where you are. The hustle is real!
- The Desperadoes (also known as fake Abuja Big Girls): These ones live on credit and have accumulated debts in every nook and cranny. They buy shoes on credit, dresses on credit, jewellery on credit, cars on credit, perfumes on credit, weave-ons on credit, sometimes even food on credit as they try desperately to meet and catch up with the real Abuja Big Babes, but fate is always one step ahead of them. Every time they think they have snagged a known name or moneybag, it turns out that they have simply fallen into the hands of a has-been, an Abuja Big Boy (check last week’s article Here) or one stingy scrooge.
They haunt all the clubs where the big boys meet and attempt to crash every party going in town. They also live in perpetual fear of one of their creditors suddenly appearing in the middle of a party – while they are busy speaking supri-supri and trying to snag a real moneybag – and snatching the Brazilian wig off their hair or the gold off their necks.
Unfortunately, the universe is usually not impressed by angry creditors arresting these fake Abuja Big Girls all over the place and disgracing them like there is no tomorrow, the universe will continue to pitch them with miserable men who will even try to scheme them out of the little they have managed to put aside.
These ones are not interested in the men “with prospects”, so don’t even bother. They are too busy trying to f*ck their latest catch’s brains out in an attempt to get him to loosen his vice-like grip on his purse strings. Usually, when you hear so so and so big man died on top of a woman in a hotel in Abuja; that is the wannabe pulling the short end of the stick as usual with the agbaya of the moment choosing to die rather than release one kobo for her.
- The Single and Desperate: Bankers, Oryel Company workers, Politicians, Government employees, they all have at least two things in common: They are very rich and they are very very single.
These ones chased their career and as they continued to rise, the number of men whose balls do not retreat into their stomachs when in their presence continued to dwindle. When a guy usually summons up the courage to toast one of these self-made women, it goes something like this: “Excuse me please ma, please don’t be offended but I told my brother that I want to come and try and toast you but now that I am here, please do not be offended ma, I will be going now and I will close the door behind me.”
Their age mates want younger girls; younger men are intimidated by them. Older men are busy chasing their granddaughters’ age mates so when the single and desperate Abuja big girl finally snags a man, it doesn’t matter if she picked him from the streets where he used to sell gala in the hold ups, she will lie to her friends that he is an “international business man” and will spend good money to make him look, feel and attempt to act the part.
She will change his wardrobe, buy him a car, place his parents on a salary, give him a spare key to her house, close from work early to cook for him, you know all that “I am a feminist I don’t pound yam” ish? Try it with one of these single and desperate Abuja girls and she will break your head open with her pestle.
She will pound yam. Matter of fact, if he wants to eat roasted elephant meat, she can make it happen.
Roll over? Done!
- The Pretenders: These ones are the first to accuse any girl who looks and dresses well and is hanging on to the arm of her grandfather’s mate of being a runs girl. They will scoff and gossip and mutter and backbite and can be found in most of the churches’ night vigils, deliverance services and anointing services; kabbashing like there’s no tomorrow.
“Oh Gawwwwwwwd, bless meeeeeeeee! Bless me the way you blessed that useless Appolonia that is following all sorts of men with samanja moustache all over Abuja. Give me the kind of money you gave to her. Is my own different? What does she have that I do not have? It is my turn to laugh in this Abuja. I must not return back to my village the way I came. Do not allow people to laugh at me, do not put my family to shame. As you have done unto Appolonia and that her other useless friend Jacintha and even that other ashawo Marcellina, Oh Gawwwwwwd, please do unto me.”
Of course mixed in with these babes are the desperate housewives, the saintly church-goers; the serious students and the diligent civil servants.
But they don’t live in the city centre itself, they live around Abuja in Kubwa, Karu, Lugbe, Gwagwalada and other satellite towns, so do not actually count as Abuja babes.