November 24, 2017

Oya come and see “Alternative facts’ – Viola Okolie

Oya come and see “Alternative facts’ – Viola Okolie

Today was a good day – relatively speaking.

I got up in the morning and there was a bird chirping away on the windowsill. A pretty colourful contraption, I could bet it was chirping away to the tune of Phyno’s “fada fada”, the song that induces temporary adonkiarism in even the best of us.

We had electricity which had not blinked for the past decade so I put on the water heater to steam up nicely for a long hot shower and then relaxed in front of the television with a cup of hot coffee.

The people in my household woke up soon after and as each passed by where I was lounging in the living room, they executed a deep bow and kissed the soles of my feet.

This is the life.

I picked up my gold plated remote control and pointed it at the television, swiftly changing the channel to CNN where the Igbo version of the News was being read.

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It was quite exhilarating listening to Dede Trump promise that he would summon Buhari to the White House to explain to him about the needless deaths in Port Harcourt and Southern Kaduna. And then towards the end of his speech, he looked directly into the camera, I could swear he was talking to me and me alone as he said, “Behold, I hereby bequeath to you all the Sovereign Republic of Biafra. Buhari go thou and set my people free. Start by setting Nnamdi Kanu free and it shall be well with you”.

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I shed a tear or two into my coffee while thanking God I was alive to see this day.

My phone beeped and it was a credit alert.

Dangote had borrowed N1bn from me the other day to fuel his private jet for a quick trip to my village in Ukpor, and he had just sent it back with a modest 10% interest.

At the conversion rate of N1/$1, that came up to about $1.1bn.

Not bad.

I wanted to spend the weekend touring the world and that would be enough money to take care of my refreshments.

In the interim, I needed to rush down to town and hold a brief meeting with Abba Kyari, a deposit of $1bn (using today’s dollar exchange rate) that he was to have paid into my account for watering the grass at the IDP camps prior to the clearing, just to make sure there was enough grass to justify the huge amounts they had budgeted for the task, was still hanging.

Maybe this visit would prompt him to release the payments.

I asked my driver to go outside and warm up the elephant that would carry us down to town and back. And while he did that, I quickly rode the dolphin I use for exercise round the stadium track in my backyard, then stood under the waterfall in my garden and had a brief shower.

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I would stop over in Paris for breakfast after my meeting.

Today is going to be a good day.

#AlternativeFacts

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Today marks the 5th day that [email protected]?!€&%√€β NEPA (calling them PHCN is like saying “the voice is the voice of Jacob’s but the skin is that of Esau” – let’s call them by their real names o jare); today marks the 5th day that they have unrepentantly refused to supply our estate with electricity.

Amadioha will help me to solder their destiny to that of Lai Mohammed’s.

And if this useless car tries me with that it’s shakara today, I will put it up for sale on OLX. E better for me say I know say I no get motor, than to dey beg motor like person wey dey under the spell of conji, every morning.

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But you can choose which of my realities you want to believe.

The real one, or the alternative facts.

Weh done, Sa!

Photo Credit 

Read more from Viola

Dear Nigerian Churchian, you cannot bribe God – Viola Okolie

Let’s talk about Olajumoke and her haters – Viola Okolie

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