It all began with the hair.
It always begins somewhere, after all as Aristotle said “na something dey start something.”
One day, Pastor Chris looked down from the pulpit where he was ministering and saw a head of flowing hair. He followed the head and it ended in a face. The face of a half-caste. The face smiled. Pastor Chris smiled back.
And the unholy spirit ministered to him there and then.
It said, ‘Chris my son. Behold that Mulatto woman sitting in the congregation. She is one of my blessed and my spirit is upon her. I shall make of thee many quarteroons. But in order to succeed, ye must take upon thyself the mantle of oyibo-ness to look like thy Lord Jesu X.’
‘O lord, what will ye have me do?’ Chris asked in abject subjection to the will of the unholy spirit.
‘Ye shall fry thy hair. For my spirit shall not dwell with men of kinky hair. My spirit is feeble and if thy hair be nappy, how shall it penetrate from the crown of thy head unto the soles of thy feet.’
Pastor Chris was sad and asked the spirit if he shall not cause this cup to pass over him, for he had grown fond of his nappy hair. But the spirit refused, for it loves white men, like our Lord Jesu X. And if they cannot be white, they can at least fake it till they make it.
With much groaning, Pastor Chris began to texturize his hair.
‘Lord, is this enough?’ He asked fervently.
‘No try me o. I say I want make you be oyibo,’ the unholy spirit said. In order to make everything jell, the spirit asked Chris to also add small something in his cream, for the Lord does not dwell in black skin, for black is evil and white is the colour of Light. Like our Lord Jesu X.
The spirit also admonished Chris to shed his ponderous tongue and adopt a fluidity of speech with which he shall use him to scam nations.
‘But Lord’ cried Chris, ‘I am but a Naija bred. How can I fake this aspri-spri and help thee fool the nations of the world.’
‘Chris. Chris. How many times did I call you? See that mulatto sisi sitting there with face like Korean. Take her unto thee as thy wife. It will further your hustle as a quarter-to-Oyibo man of god, and through both of you, I shall scam all the nations of the earth.’
Chris bowed his head and sighed heavily.
As he rose to leave, the unholy spirit spoke and said, ‘One more thing.’
‘Yes Lord,’ said Chris.
‘Take that rod in your hand.’
Chris looked at his hand. ‘Lord, I see no rod.’
‘What do you mean you see no rod? Look between your legs joor.’
Chris looked between his legs and lo and behold, there nestled a rod.
The spirit said, ‘think not to yourself, what can this rod do? Doth it not rear its head with pride when swollen with blood then afterward lies limp against the thigh? Take thy rod in thy hand because I shall cause it to consume other rods.’
And Chris took the rod in his hand. He stroked it lovingly.
‘Lord, it is indeed a weapon of great mastery and an enviable accomplishment.’
And the spirit said, ‘Go, for I shall send the rod before you to make your path smooth. Ye shall cast it to the left, and to the right, and ye shall consume nations. Let’s do a trial run. Speak kindly and tenderly unto that dear sister, for she shall bear thy seed. And ye shall exalt her, and ye shall be a master unto her.’
‘And when such and such a time as shall come, when she shall begin to propose in her heart that she be nigh unto you in strength and anointing, then shall you be provoked and strike her once with the rod. If she yield not, ye shall then withhold the rod from her. And ye shall take the rod in thy hand and ye shall pleasure thyself as I have shown unto thee this day.’
And Chris looking pleased said, ‘but Lord, what if she take heed after I smite her the first time?’
The Lord looking angry thundered at Chris. ‘Have ye not learned anything from my unholy books? I shall harden her heart that she shall not succumb. So that ye may bind her up and make her watch thee devour the other nations of the world. For I, the Lord thy god is into S&M.’
Chris’ eyes lit up.
‘You don’t say.’
‘I do. And you shall bind her up. And when she is fully bound, ye shall summon the ministresses into the holiest of holies. And ye shall strip them of their vestments. For I require of thy hand a sacrifice that shall cleanse the land.’
‘Lord, how will I have them obey thee?’
‘See that rod in thy hand? What the f%&k do you think I gave it thee for? Ye shall whip it out, and in the presence of the heathen, disobedient woman, ye shall command the daughters of Isreal, and the daughters of Jerusalem. That they fall to their knees, and worship thy rod. They shall, with many psalms and stammering tongue, slather thy rod with holy kisses. They shall stroke it and they shall wrap their lips around it, and they shall praise its beauty and splendour because there will be none like unto thy rod. Not in all the earth they rod shall be like an Embassy that all the nations of the world may know, and the power of thy rod which I cause my ministers on earth to wield.’
And when the stubborn daughter of Jezebel would drag thee before the counsels and the judges of the land, and they shall ask many questions of thee, for she shall seek to take that which I had bestowed upon thee, think not what ye shall say. For I shall fill thy mouth. And in those days, they shall arise voltrons called apologists, and they shall tweet and fb for thy cause, and they shall prevail. And the evil woman shall be cast into eternal damnation of alimony and child support.’
‘I say unto you that when the hour comes, she shall be so desperate that thou shalt have thy way with her easily. Then shall thou call her into the holiest of holies, and reason with her. And ye shall ask her to drop one for the road, for old times ‘sake, and for the sake of the children that ye have been blessed with; then shall ye bend her over thy massive sacred desk, and with much speaking of tongues, ye shall cause the rod to once again show forth its glory, and she shall sing thy praises.’
But Chris had a question.
‘Lord, what shall scoffers says?’
The unholy spirit is impatient. ‘What did you call them? Scoffers. They shall scoff, it is what they do. But as they scoffed at my servants of old who did no wrong – Biodun Fattest-oyibo, Chriso-Okotiay, Nicholas Osei-tutu, Pastor Joseph E-loverman – they shall gather, as the carrion gathers over the carcass. But I the Lord hath given thee triumph over them.’
‘Ye shall rise in grace and wealth and stature, and they shall see that as thy sin increaseth, so doth the grace upon thy life. And they shall bow and tremble.
And all the world will know that I, the Lord of the Rod art great in power and might.”