Presenter: Good evening all and welcome to Back-Off, the controversial, no holds barred, uber-expository programme where we throw challenges at politicians and get them to confront each other with raw facts and see who blinks or backs off first.
Tonight, we have Chief Olisa Meetoo, the mouth piece of the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) and Alhaji Liar Mohammed, the spokesperson of the All Progressives’ Confidence in the house; and we will expect them to respond to issues that affect the economy, the citizens and the country at large.
We will start with you Alhaji Liar Mohammed, how are you enjoying your new status as the spokesperson of the party in power?
Liar Mohammed: Well, I must admit to you that it is not as euphoric as we had expected. Reason being that there are suddenly too many gaffes tumbling out of the President’s mouth. It is bad enough that a cross section of the polity think that referring to my principal as “naively frank” is a good thing, running around attempting to spin his utterances is extremely back breaking work.
Presenter: Wow. That is brutally frank coming from you Alhaji Liar. We had expected a little bit of obfuscation in line with your records…
Liar Mohammed: See, young man that was during the campaign and elections. I apologise for all the lies I told that period and how it seemed like my parents knew I would walk into that brief period of infamy while selecting a name for me, I have turned a new leaf now. In the interest of Nigeria, I will tell the truth always.
Presenter: Hmmm, I am a bit lost for words but can we just get your opinion on the revival of the refineries? In less than two months of taking over power, the President was able to get them up and running…
Liar Mohammed: Which of the Presidents, young man?
Presenter: Well, we have only one President.
Liar Mohammed: See young man, do not allow yourself get caught up in the misguided propaganda of all these young boys on the internet o. Do you know how long it takes to carry out turn around maintenance on a refinery? The ball was set in motion by the immediate past president and we are only extremely lucky to reap the benefits now. Please if you must praise anyone for the revival of the refineries, place a phone call across to Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.
Presenter: *clears throat and shifts uncomfortably on the chair*
Olisa Meetoo: *loosening his tie* Alhaji Liar Mohammed, are you sure all is well with you?
Liar Mohammed: Yes, my brother. Have no fear. We are all Nigerians and we are in this together. There is absolutely no need to keep lying and insulting the intelligence of millions of Nigerians with stories even a five year old can punch holes through. Elections are over now, let us all live as one and forgive the mistakes of the past.
Olisa Meetoo: This is incredibly unbelievable!
Presenter: So, Alhaji Liar Mohammed, are we free to assume that the improvement in power supply cannot be attributed to the President?
Liar Mohammed: Seun! Seun!! Seun!!! Like I have told you before, except you want to put a call across to the immediate past president to congratulate him, there has been little or no input from this government to anything whatsoever.
Presenter: What about the trains?
Liar Mohammed: Young man, like the president has told Nigerians several times, he is not a magician o. Do you know what it takes to have trains up and running? Government is a continuum my brother. The trains were started by Obasanjo, Goodluck Jonathan continued and took them almost to completion. We are just taking over now and fortunate to reap the glory.
Presenter: Sir, this is definitely getting interesting. How about the recent highly successful trip to America?
Liar Mohammed: Which one?
Liar Mohammed: If it was the recent family vacation I undertook with my family, it was highly successful and…
Presenter: No, not that one Sir, the trip the President and his entourage took to the USA to go and…
Liar Mohammed: Oh that yeye trip? Very ill advised move. Did you not watch how Obama was received at the airport? In our own case, we escorted the President into his Private jet, then rushed down ahead of him to form a welcoming party. We escorted ourselves down to the white house where some of us promptly fell asleep while others were playing footsie with married women.
Presenter: But sir, your party said it was a highly successful trip…
Liar Mohammed: Kikikikikikikiiiiii, young man, you better stop listening to rumours o. Okay, next time they tell you it was highly successful, ask them what was discussed. Is it not the same trip that we are still running damage control on the 97% gaffe? Leave matter my brother…
*Alhaji Liar Mohammed suddenly jerks awake and wipes the spittle off the corner of his mouth. He straightens his cap, and looks into the camera*
Producer off camera: Okay people, we are ready to roll in five, four, three…
Presenter: Good evening all and welcome to “Back off”, the controversial programme where we pitch politicians against each other in an attempt to get to the bottom of issues that affect us as a nation. On my left, we have the spokesman of the People’s Democratic Party, Chief Olisa Meetoo.
Olisa Meetoo: Good evening and thank you for having us in the studio tonight.
Presenter: You are welcome Sir. And on my right, we have Alhaji Liar Mohammed, the spokesperson of the All Nigerian People’s Congress who…
Liar Mohammed: Excuse me please, who is this Liar Mohammed you are talking about?
Presenter: Sir, are you not Alhaji Liar Mohammed?
Liar Mohammed: Me? Liar Mohammed? My name is Lawal Mustapha. Liar Mohammed ke?
Olisa Meetoo: I object! The APC needs to understand that they have won the elections and are no longer the opposition. They need a crash course on success management and how to run a country…
Presenter: But Alhaji Liar Mohammed Sir…
Liar Mohammed: But what? I have told you my name is Lawal Mustapha and I do not know who Liar Mohammed is, but I am sure he is a creation of the People’s Democratic Party. This PDP can lieeeeeeee!