It’s been a few days of revelations. Two days ago, I was going to call this guy. He likes me. I like him. He’d called me and I was going to call him back. Seems pretty simple and obvious, no? But then it suddenly dawned on me why I am thirty something and not married. It is because when a guy chases me and I like him, I chase him back. Unfortunately, society has not been constructed that way. Fronting. Posturing. The guy is supposed to chase me. I am supposed to be demure, act like I don’t like him. Somewhere along the line, I am supposed to decide he has chased me hard enough for me to give him something called a green light. It has to be subtle. I am supposed to be mysterious and elusive. I do not know how to be these things.

I have never been good with moulds. I have always wanted to break the mould. And have, over and over. My father unwittingly raised very strong independent women. He probably regrets it now. Thing is, I have always looked at a way things were done and queried it and if I did not like the answer,  have always said fuck the status quo and gone another way.


But society does not like it. We like the familiar. We resent what makes us think, introspect, force us to change. We do not like the challenge. We like things just the way they are.

If however, you are like me, poking a finger in the eye of convention time and again, society wants to vomit you out like bile. If you attempt, by your ways, your brashness to challenge the way they have always done things, they resent you for shaking them out of their lethargy. So they hurl invectives at you, but the scariest people are the ones who offer you advice, their resentment barely cloaked. I like to call it prescribing. Their words laced with concern, you can see their brows furrowed, they send directives, sometimes they even make threats, offer ultimatums. Many times they question your motives.

Here is a sample of a seemingly well-intentioned, well-meaning person, and all I can see is yet another attempt to rein me in. So I am sitting down and minding my business (I’d that a lot) and this pops up;

Hello Pearl,
I have seen some of your articles, both on FB and Sabinews. I must confess they paint you as an informed, bold black woman. Inasmuch as I appreciate knowledge and boldness, some things have been on my mind and today I cannot help anymore but tell you this.
You see, we live in a digital media world where people are told what they want to hear; a world where people create the ‘reality’ they want to see every day on social media and then pretend that is their reality.
Pearl, many of your many fans and online friends may not tell you the truth [as you acknowledged in your post the other day] but to be frank with you, the way you are carrying on both online [and perhaps in reality] is simply playing a very negative antecedent. They may cheer you on as you speak on things they abhor deep down inside, admire your guts and like your articles; but how many of those people would really want to be with you after all of this.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am convinced in my heart that if you continue like this, you may end up a bitter lonely old woman with loads and loads of regrets. No doubt, you may become rich and maybe famous. It is my conviction that those men and ladies who now cheer you on online would not want you more than they want a piece of newspaper they just finished reading, when all is said and done—
They all still want a submissive sister, wife, friend and colleague who respects not just their traditional opinions but their view of their God.
I figured that even if no one is sincere enough to tell you this truth, I should do that sincerely without any sentiment.
Warmest regards,

So I think of all the times I have received messages like these fraught with warnings about my impending perilous end.

What they do not know is that I live by a code – I have only this one life. Some people have eternal life to look forward to. I am sincerely happy for them. I do not. Now, how can one live that life unfulfilled, rather fulfilling the expectations of others. Surely, that has got to be the worst tragedy.

Listen to me; if you have faith in yourself, if you trust your gut, if you hold your mind in high regard, if you value the integrity of your decisions, if you know your motivation and intentions and they are good, then be true to yourself. Do the things you believe in. stand by them. Be who you are. F%$k convention. Speak your truth. Own your life. I am sick and I am tired of people telling me what to do. Aren’t you? The people who matter accept me. If I end up alone, so what?

Think on this.

Really, live your life. Unless you’ve got another and this is just a dress rehearsal.

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  2. Kay

    The concerned fellow has half a point but who gave anyone the power to judge how a person ends?
    Sometimes conventions do not apply to everyone.

  3. you are so prescriptive, poor you and you don't even have the guts to f**k in full. talk of not following tradition!

    Mrs Oversabi,
    You are full of prescriptions, while you live by your own codes! You don’t give a damn but yet you couldn’t spell out fu*k! Get your acts together, listen to the voice of wisdom from your kits and kin. “ti idi ba baje to nidi londa” that’s their concern ” were duun wo, ko see bi lomo!”
    I admire your boldness sha, but watch it especially eternity, what of if we get there and nothing like that and what if its real especially hell fire “my God, oh no!”

  4. tomi

    Abeg forget all these people wey no dey mind their business. You are an awesome individual and I’m 99.99% sure you’re living a happier life than whoever sent that email.

  5. olami

    Aye koto!!!! Hmmm. Only in Nigeria will they give u freedom of speech n still question u about it. My sister, no be dem ppl go judge u o. Remember say Na baba God fit judge us all.

  6. Mayo

    Just wanted to say this: Don’t blame your ‘liking and chasing your guys’ for the fact that you’re still alone. That’s actually stereo-typing yourself. You don’t have a guy because…well you know the reason why. But it probably has less to do with your being ‘strong and independent’ and more to do with you chasing after the wrong sort of man.

    My parents raised my sisters and I to all be very strong and independent and we are all married to men who appreciate us. So maybe you are the one chasing the wrong men. Take your time and chase the right one, he’ll love you for who you are.


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