Apparently, it is still silly season in Nigeria, and the voluntary adoption of otherwise derogatory labels such as “bastard” by those who should know better is just beginning to peak!
What a country. If you thought that last week’s Presidential elections would have brought an end to the silliness, propaganda, lies and manipulations… here, have a cup of coffee on me. And feel free to add as much sugar as your system can handle, your shock absorbers definitely need a lot of priming. Nigerian politics is like a blend of “Telemundo”, “The Fast and Furious (part 1 to 10)” and “The gods must be crazy”, all rolled into one.
But here is the thing, the gods usually have a bigger role than we envisage in determining what the actual outcome of the polls might be. For instance, you might have been the one who spent weeks, nay months, yelling at people. Assuring them that they will cry again when the results of the polls are announced, about how you have already ordered a trailer load of white handkerchiefs and they should line up to start placing orders, your ducks have aligned neatly into a straight row.
Well, how come YOU are the one crying a river as you watch the gods suddenly twist the perfect ending you had planned?
*wails into white handkerchief*
Seriously, what do the gods expect you to do with all these white handkerchiefs you had ordered from China?
Then who ever thought up that saying “second place is first loser”? Probably that person does not believe in the gods and their mischievous interests in Nigerian politics, and why should they not be that interested in our affairs? There is no one god that can lay claim to being THE Nigerian god (truth be told, for a whole lot of us, we experiment with one, two or even three gods at the same time and some of us wobble deliciously between atheistic and theistic beliefs), so it might just be possible that all this mischief is just the gods holding their own election campaigns and messing around with our heads.
Second place is first loser. Really? Well hereabouts, second place is the Hero while first place and his adherents are running around, trying to take the shine off “The Accidental Saint”.
Okay, just as you are settling down from all that excitement, you find out again that you need more than a PVC to vote in certain parts of the country. You need more than those pesky card readers that would work perfectly well in some parts of the country with nary a hitch and in some other parts, decide not to work at all. Just when you had decided that you would have a manicure the day before the elections and ensure you scrub your thumb with methylated spirit a split second before you step forward for accreditation, you discover that is not all you need to face these polls…
… you need a paddle
… then of course you need a canoe after all you cannot be paddling breeze
… also you would need personal flotation devices
… or some underwater breathing device (on the off chance the Igbo traders run out of PFDs)
All this just to cast your votes? And you are not even guaranteed that you would need these items at the end of the day. You see, the criteria surrounding the once in a lifetime opportunity to hold a quick conversation with the fishes IF a certain candidate wins the gubernatorial elections are still shrouded in a whole lot of controversies.
I suggest that these elections be postponed until these issues are clarified:
1. I am not Igbo but I voted for JK
2. I mistakenly plessed my thumb for the umblella
3. So when the Lagoon is full, what happens to the spill over?
4. Are we going to use forensic experts to determine who voted for who or are we just going to keep sending people into the deep until we arrive at the exact number of votes cast for the least favoured party?
5. What if I don’t want to take the Lagoon tour? Can I nominate someone else on my behalf?
6. Do I need a PVC to participate?
I know these are #QuestionsForTheGods both literally and figuratively but you see, how can we be serious about going ahead with an election of such importance when criteria like these have not been ironed out? If the intention is not to marginalise some people and deny them this unique opportunity to commune directly with “point and kill”, then we do not want anyone contesting the outcome of these elections on the bases of any irregularities or misunderstanding of the requirements for obtaining the one way ticket on the Akiolu Cruise Ship.
On that basis, I ask for a postponement!
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