Despite the fact that we live in Jand, where there are now 1.2 million people who are “mixed race,” some Nigerians—I mean the ones that often work at a Nigerian-owned business, attend a Nigerian-pastored church and live/shop/school in Naija communities—are still surprised to see their compatriots dating and marrying white people. Usually, when it comes to Naija men with foreign spouses, the weird questions aren’t readily asked, but with Nigerian women married to Caucasians, it’s raining stupidity. Folks, here’s how to answer these questions…and if you’re this type of “asker,” read and note: these questions have the capacity to leave people feeling that…you share the IQ of a blade of grass.
Usually the sex questions pop up first:
- “Can he perform?”
Acceptable answer: Oh yes, he plays the trumpet, just took up piano but he doesn’t do any of this professionally *keep a straight face*
Tempting answer: If you mean do we have sex, then ask…even though I would still think you were weird and in need of medical attention for wanting to know about the workings of another person’s sex life. I would need a bed right next to you in a psychiatric ward, complete with matching strait jackets if I did answer your question, weirdo.
- “What does it feel like?”
Acceptable answer: Sorry, please let me just take this call, my sister.
Tempting answer: It feels like…a penis. Probably better than any other penis I’ve come across, which is part of why I’m all over the dude. It’s normal, sex, boring sex, break-the-bedsprings-sex like with any other set of human beings kicking it…so quit asking these things because for someone standing before me with a bible in hand and known for punctuating every Facebook status update with the word “Jesus,” I’d never have thought you had such voyeuristic tendencies.
Expect a racist question or two
- “I heard they are [insert racial stereotype]”
Acceptable answer: Well I don’t know about that. It is about individuals…you can’t just generalise.
Tempting answer: Heard what? From where? You have never been anywhere else apart from Jand, and even in the Jand you are always surrounded by the Nigerian cocoon—Naija-filled university, Naija church, Naija colleagues. Abeg shift, or talk another thing.
Followed by those trying to gauge (pigeon-hole) your motives
- “Where did you guys meet?”
Acceptable answer: In London; whilst I was studying.
Tempting answer: You’re probably asking me this just to confirm your warped mind-set that every female married to an Oyinbo man had never heard of planes, never owned a passport or gone anywhere outside her State until Oyinbo came and brought her to London. Tempting as it would be to watch you tell me “you’re so lucky,” I think I’d prefer to see your face as you take in the fact that women can and do travel without Oyinbo man. Got you there, didn’t I?
- “Wow! So how did your parents react?”
Acceptable answer: They were happy for me. Yes, really. Yes, totally.
Tempting answer: How did you expect them to react? Jump up and down like bush people because of Oyibo, just like yours would, abi? They did jump, but only because someone was marrying their daughter, and they could see both of us are in love, duh.
- “Eiyaaa. Why don’t you like Nigerian men na?”
Acceptable answer: Hahahhahaha. Hahahahaha. Haba. Hahahaha
Tempting answer: You should ask Nigerian men why most don’t like fidelity, why they like to mix ogbono soup with egusi and add miyan taushe. I am sure Nigerian men will not even miss me, they have many doormats such as yourself to occupy them.
Finally, you can expect their motives to be revealed
- “Can you help me find a [insert race/ethnicity] boyfriend/girlfriend?”
Acceptable answer: No wahala, I will let you know.
Tempting answer: I thought you were rooting for Naija men na? Well I can hook you up, but I would rather not. Because na your type dey milk oyinbo for money, dey disgrace Naija. For some reason you just seem to think I’m with an ATM who allows me get away with any and everything…Oyibo sef dey poor o, and some are more controlling than Idi Amin. I should probably introduce you to one of such men…just so your eyes go clear.
- “This is how your children will look o!” *pouts lips and thrusts chin forward, ‘pointing’ at an innocent mixed-race child passing by*
Acceptable answer: Make I first get belle na?
Tempting answer: See your life. Look at your eyes following the poor child. Hahahahaha so you be half-caste hunter? You are even already imagining what my own kids will look like? You are one of those people that share pictures of mixed kids all over Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest, anuofia. Na una full Ghana dey give work to those ones wey dey sell Oyinbo sperm to Ghana women!
Are you an “asker” of these question or an “askee” who has more questions to add to this list? Email or comment all join; pick your poison. *wink
See you next week
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