June 23, 2018

Reach for some happiness, it’s not too deep – Viola Okolie

Reach for some happiness, it’s not too deep – Viola Okolie

Fellow Nigerians,

It is not THAT deep.

Never has and never will.

Even if it were, a basic understanding of why you feel so offended will go a long way towards helping you differentiate between real “deep”, and false deep.

Real deep is good, you hit the right notes at the right time and everyone has a simultaneous mental orgasm that leaves the participants drained of every thought. Well orchestrated, we can attempt a dissection of the whys and the wheretofores, we can even round it off with a quick cigar and bask in the afterglow of such an enlightening and mutually beneficial experience.

Real depth is good!

False deep is crazy. There is no justification for hitting bottom when you should still be reaching nicely for more depth; or for finding yourself flailing around and wondering, “sheet, which kain gbege person enter so”.

False depth is silly crazy. Fake orgasm. If you are lucky, your co-participants will just moan and let you slide out as insipidly as you slid in – but only if you are lucky. If your chi is in transit, expect a calling out to rival all calling outs. Especially these days when everybody’s chill seems to be hugging the equator.

Zero chills.

Pack it in people, it is never that serious.

And no, this is not about sex!

==========================================

False depth is stumbling on an update where the writer uses the word “stammering” and going off on an Oscar worthy rant about how your enjoyment of the piece was suddenly truncated as soon as you saw that word “stammer” and recall how millions of people in the world “stammer” and you are wondering how the writer could be so callous as to use the word “stammer”. Oh no. Poor stammerers all over the world must be offended by that one word, it takes away from all that has gone before and blablabla…

stammer

Bitch please!

Who died and made you the patron saint of stammerers all over the world? What are we going to do? Throw away the dictionary just so your depth can finally begin to acquire some authenticity?

Go away please, you are an embarrassment to people who stutter and have genuine speech defects – see what I did there? I am sure you didn’t. Here, have this page I ripped out of my dictionary. Just go ahead and get a life.

There is a time and a place for everything and ignorance is the bane of the world.

===========================================

Fake depth is jumping into an honest to goodness relaxed discussion on how Hillary Clinton picked the Trump up and mopped the floor with him, then laid him out with the trash, and begin to moan about ISIS and America forcing Buhari on Nigerians and other crazy claptrap.

At that moment bro, you are reaching…

“Bigly”

Too deep.

Take your hand back out, there is no bottom.

Or maybe, it just is not THAT deep.

debate

Get a grip, get a life.

You do not impress anyone with your encyclopedic knowledge of convenient conspiracy theories, you only sound like a candidate for the empty bed in Yaba psychiatric ward.

========================================

False depth is thinking that every man-woman relationship wahala needs to be smothered in nauseating doses of your non – knowledge of feminism and how it works.

Hold on, I can feel a yawn coming.

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

Yeah, you were saying? See, let me keep this brief for you. Go and find a wooden plank and a few nails. Hold the plank against the bottom of whatever point it is you are trying to prove, and knock it in with the nails and a hammer.

See?

I told you.

It is not THAT deep.

this is not

=======================================

The whole world needs to be able to stop sometimes, and laugh a little. It is not any one individual’s fault that the entire globe needs a humongous therapy session. Trust me, no one individual is to blame.

So if as you stroll past the world, you see people gathered in one spot and attempting to laugh away all the sorrows occasioned by this “recession is just a word”, please resist every temptation to jump in there with your false depth and make a spectacle of yourself.

Laughter is the best medicine – still!

Humourists don’t get paid a dime extra for ignoring their own bleak situations and trying to squeeze a smile out of everyone else. Doubt me? Let’s ring up Robin Williams now and ask him shall we?

No?

See, let’s declare a truce here and now.

If you see people having a little bit of a laugh and a natter over something, anything and you feel like spreading a little bit of the bleakness that resides in your soul – desist from touching that memory globe, you are not Sadness in the cartoon Inside Out.

Don’t share your lack of cheer – Be Like Joy (the one in the cartoon, that is))

Throw away that false depth you are reaching for.

If that is too difficult for you to do and for some unexplainable, pathological reason you MUST be a Debbie Downer, then move into your own space and create your own sub, shade, tree or canopy. Because people passing by and reading it would have nothing to compare it against, and you just might succeed in pulling the old switcheroo.

But you do need a little sunshine in your life dearie,  reach for the stars.

It is NEVER that deep.

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