August 14, 2018

Sharrap, you no marry, you dey give marital advice – Viola Okolie

Sharrap, you no marry, you dey give marital advice – Viola Okolie

My eleven year old wants to be a medical doctor. She would like to specialize in dentistry or brain surgery; she is not sure which yet but most definitely, medicine.

To prepare herself for her future career, she got her uncle to download an app on her tablet where if she clicks one button, a surgeon’s scalpel appears out of thin air. If she clicks another one, a patient appears fully prepped for surgery and already spaced out from anesthesia. When she clicks a third button – snip, throw whatever you snipped off in the bin, surgery over.

After each successful surgery, the app gives her a resounding round of applause. Sometimes, they even promote her and move her up a level or two and the way they are going; very soon she is going to be a world class female brain surgeon.

So, I think I want to set up a blog for her where she can freely dispense medical advice to anyone who is interested and maybe in a couple of years, I can even rent a building for her where she can carry out brain surgeries. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. She may not have gone to medical school yet and all that crap, but who needs all that to shift your brain around and snip one or two stringy things inside your skull?

Absolutely nobody.

wedding-rings

She is alive, she is a human being, she wants to be a brain surgeon and she can learn on the job.

Please don’t demoralize her by saying she would need to get proper qualifications and at least a few years’ experience before dispensing medical advice. What are you trying to do? Destroy her self-confidence? Come on!!! Get a life. And be nice. Plus be politically correct. Never say never, it is all in the mind and even If she kills one or two people, I am sure before she has recorded a hundred deaths, she will be a pro at the surgery thingy.

Any 11 year old can be a brain surgeon; it’s not rocket science, is it?

Please ignore all the naysayers and Debbie Downers and patronize her and if you ever need a discount, just mention my name when you come for your consultation, and Bob’s your uncle!

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If the above scenario sounds downright ridiculous to you, then why does the idea of a singleton dispensing marriage advice sound okay?

How possible is it that someone whose only “experience” in the marriage field is a string of increasingly awful relationships with maybe one or two failed engagements; would be a relationship expert? Well yes, maybe “expert” if all they are doing is sharing their relationship fails and whomever is the unfortunate recipient of their lack of wisdom is at liberty to file the tidbits away under “How not to run a relationship”; but to actually delve into marriage?

And they would gleefully dish out sex tips, conflict resolution tips, in-law navigation tips; friends’ management tips etc.

All from one corner of their bachelor(ette) pad.

While their enablers would egg them on and defend them from those who protest, “Leave them alone and face your own hustle. Do you want to demoralize and discourage them? You do not need to be married to dispense advice on marriage, abeg”.

Hmmmmmm.

I was with a friend the other day and somehow, the talk veered round to marriage. She had been married for about 20 years and in the midst of our discussion, I suggested to her that she was eminently qualified to run a marriage blog and give advice to young couples on how to navigate the choppy, marital waters.

Her response to me? “Vee, see marriage is not something you dabble into anyhow o. it all boils down to the two individuals and what they want to make of their union because what works for one person would most definitely not work for another”.

And that response reminded me of the popular the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cliché. I know a man who at the sight of ordinary bread and butter, all marriage issues are hereby resolved. All is forgiven and forgotten and should never be mentioned in the lifetime of this marriage ever again. Just bring the bread make he dey chop am dey go first.

What’s that? Madam bashed my tear rubber Range Rover? And you want me to leave this marvellous bread and butter to yell first? Are you well? She is making love to the mai guard? Wait abeg, make I chop this bread finish. The world is all right with us for as long as I have bread and butter lovingly prepared by madam.

And on the flip side of it, is a very close friend who considers it an insult if you so much as mention “food” before he has torn every shred of whatever inconsequential argument he is having with you, apart. All the “I”s must be dotted and all the “t”s crossed and expert mediators must be brought in to negotiate fragile and extremely complicated terms before he would even consider accepting a sealed packet of Okin biscuit from madam.

The point: marriage is as complex as brain surgery. For as long as even twin brothers do not process their thoughts along the same exact pattern, there is absolutely no way that one advice would fit all marriages. If you would not allow my eleven year old conduct brain surgery on your loved one irrespective of how much I gush about her interest in the profession, for the simple reason that she is neither qualified nor experienced; then there is no excuse whatsoever for enabling singletons dispense marriage advice.

No qualifications (i.e. marriage certificate); No experience (of which a minimum of at least 20 years post wedding vows and still with the same spouse, should be the standard).

Dear Singletons Dispensing Marriage Advice,

Please don’t see this as me standing in the way of your mansion in Banana Island hustle, I am only trying to ensure you don’t end up like the unnamed singer who said “no sex before marriage” and then displayed a full blown pregnancy at her traditional marriage; or like that also unnamed blogger who used to dispense relationship tips per second, yet has a relationship that is always on again, off again like a trafficator.

I‘m just trying to keep you honest and prevent you from being an object of caricature when you repeatedly fail to sustain a relationship; or keep crashing and burning out of marriage in spite of your internet career in dispensing half-baked marriage advice.

Here are some other legitimate hustling you can pursue instead:

  1. Gele tying
  2. Make up application
  3. Celebrity stalking/Gossip
  4. Football/political punditing
  5. News recycling
  6. 1 minute videos
  7. “This is not my face” skits
  8. Real Estate
  9. “Consultancy”
  10. Moozeek

The list is endless and the internet is a generous benefactor.

Whatever hustle you decide to embark on, until he has “put a ring on it” – and he and the ring have remained in your life for at least 20 years – your opinion and advice on marriage just don’t count.

Zip it!

Tenkiu.

 

 

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