I have perfected the art of unlooking on social media when I see certain discussions.
Now, while I believe it is not my duty to school the ignorant especially on issues around morality, societal/religious standards, etc and which are mostly unfair to women, sometimes I just have to say something.
So I read a post on Facebook by a young man about how a woman’s virginity is not anyone’s business and they should leave women well alone. I silently applauded and headed to the comments because I knew that’s where the goldmine would be and sure enough, there it was. He was ‘promoting promiscuity’ and ‘lowering the standards’ for women.
Someone was generous enough to say that “being disflowered before marriage defines a woman to an extent but it may not define the totalty (sic) of her person. Yes, a one time (sic) prostitute might make a better wife than a ‘holy’ virgin but there’s serious need for the tradition to be preserved and respected.” We have to preserve tradition guys, by making sure every woman remains a virgin for the sanctity of her matrimonial bed. Well done.
I wrote an article last year, My Celibacy, My Choice and the reactions brought me to tears. The same society that insists that women be virgins mocks them for being so. I had ladies send me messages telling me how courageous I was to even talk about my ‘virginity’ in the open. So it is something to be preserved and yet to be ashamed of? I don’t get it.
Anyways, I jumped into the fray with this:
Some perspective for the moralists. You do not get to judge or decide for anyone what they do with their bodies. Especially for a woman because women bear the brunt of it most times. The second someone says ‘virginity is not a prize’ you interpret it as ‘be promiscuous’. No, it means, just leave it the hell alone. And stop making women feel like their self worth is tied to a tissue. I know girls who’d rather have anal sex and oral sex than have their vaginas penetrated because ‘virgin’. Who gets to decide the standards?
For Christians, the goal should not be virginity but sexual purity. So you don’t have impressionable girls deceived with ‘it’s okay so long as I don’t put it in’. And you don’t have women living with guilt and falling into the same sin over and over because ‘I have lost my virginity. I might as well go ahead and have sex indiscriminately because there’s nothing to protect anymore’.
And if you must insist on virginity as a standard and harp on it all the time, then make it across board, boys and girls, because I wonder why tradition and religion will decide that the standard only applies to women.
A woman is not defined by how much sex (or how little) she has had before marriage as a man is not defined by it. If a woman doesn’t want to get married though, does her being a virgin or not matter? What happens to women born without a hymen? Or rape victims?
All in all, mind your business. You do not get to judge. If you want to keep to certain standards do so.
But it was the comment of a doctor friend that put paid to the matter for me. She said,
1. Virginity is very important. So important, girls are killed for it. So important that in this world, some people will rather kill a lady, than accept that she’s no longer a virgin. Congrats to y’all that think like this! I hear y’all saying ‘I’m not that bad . . . ‘ Remember, not everyone started out the way they were.
2. Virginity is so important, ‘non-virgins’ are having hymen reconstructive surgery, so that y’all can marry virgins! Congrats, smart man. You have married a virgin. But she can give lessons to prostitutes!
3. A woman’s body is her body. Leave her the heck alone! In the famous words of Mona Elthaway ‘Stay out of my vagina unless I have invited you there!’ Do not check if it is roomy. Do not check if I have a net door after the main door. Do not pass go. Go to straight to jail!
4. Seriously, have an opinion on a woman’s virginity or lack of it; just as soon as we identify a means of identifying a man’s virginity. And we start to ‘virgin-shame’ them as much as we enjoy doing to women.
I won’t even go into the other ways you can have a hymen and not be a virgin. Including some unfortunate girls that have gotten pregnant from coitus interfemoris. Don’t take my word for it, Google is your friend.