March 23, 2017

Tips on how to marry a Naija man – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Tips on how to marry a Naija man – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

This article is not for everybody. Tenkiu.

If it is not for you and you proceed to read it, don’t blame me. I warned you.
If you have no intention of marrying a Nigerian man or any man at all, it is also not for you. Do not be upset. It is ok not to want marriage. It is downright ridiculous to be angry because other people want to get married.
All the warning above should not scare you, I will not ask you to cross the seven seas, balance on a needle with just a toe or to produce the testicle of a living man-eating lion. No, it is slightly easier to marry a Nigerian man than to do all these things.
And now for my CV so that you will know that I am qualified to write about this.
1. I have lived in Nigeria almost all my life. The total time I have travelled and stayed out of this beautiful country is less than 4months. Brief vacations.
2. My Father was a Nigerian man married to my mother for about 40 years till he passed on. I lived through 32 of those years.
3. Almost all my friends and family members are married to Nigerian men.
4. I have only dated Nigerian men.
5. Finally, I have been married to a Nigerian man for almost a decade.
Permit me to know a little about Nigerian marriages.
I know my preamble is taking too long beht believe me it is necessary. Nigerian men are mostly the same. Yes yes yes, generalisations are bad and incorrect. Ok, let me modify it. Most men born and raised and living in Nigeria are very similar in what they want from a marriage. This has nothing to do with DNA or even the fact that they are Nigerians. This is because of the structure of the homes they were raised in and what society has presented as acceptable. But note that when these men leave the country, they are able to adapt VERY fast.

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Dear single girl, so you wanna marry a Nigerian man huh?
1. Your physical size does not really matter. Hurray for Nigerian men. The demand for size zero women is not high here. Lucky us. Even though western standards are trickling down, the men here like some “junk in their trunk” and on the chest. My friend was trying to lose weight when her husband told her that he did not want her to go back to premarital size. He said he wanted her visible under the sheets. Please, this is not isolated. So many men are concerned about disappearing boobs and hips because Nigerian women have caught the weight loss bug. So, your size does not really matter. Neither does you face. It is great to be beautiful but if you are not, husband go still dey.
2. Education matters more than it used to. Nigerian men don’t want to carry the weight of bills alone. It is wise to have a job or a viable trade or rich politically connected parents. It ups your chances. Unless he is a really rich (divorced or widowed) man, you will be required to work. But note that a Nigerian man reserves the right to change this along the marriage. If he starts making a lot of money along the line, he will want you to have more time to pamper him and his children. He will get impatient with your job.
3. Contrary to what people think, Nigerian men are not unwilling to marry older women. Mba. You can be older, just give him his full respect…
4. Mother before wife! Repeat after me; Mother before Wife! That is the hierarchy. No, argue with your friends. I have told you my own. If you are wise, you will suck up to his family most importantly his mother. Till she passes, she may be the only woman that can get him to do whatever you want. You must love his mother. No matter how witchy she is. Fighting her is a battle you can only win when she dies and nobody accuses you of killing her. MOTHER BEFORE WIFE!
5. Do you know how to cook in different Nigerian languages? Edi kang kong, Banga, Oha, Ewedu, Efo, Egusi, Ogbono, Miyan Geda etc etc? Do you make a banging jollof rice and fried rice that has a black belt in martial arts? Can you make doughnuts, cakes, pies, small chops, puff puff, masa, chin chin, pancakes, gizdodo…etc etc. My dear sister, you are over qualified to marry a Nigerian man. He will brag about you to his friends and even invite them over. He will hurry home at night because he knows that you will serve him in your best dishes complete with chilled zobo on the rocks. Feel free to anonymously participate in the #wifenotcook trend. But know this is purely rubbish. In Nigeria, the wife is the cook and that is not even up for debate. If you are rich enough to outsource your cooking, it is on you. But the matter of making sure that the family have food to eat every day is up to the woman. Learn how to cook. Sure it is not fair, life itself is not fair. Especially for a woman. You can get pregnant and men cannot. How is that fair? The earlier you make peace with this cross the better for us all.
6. Do not ‘short’ his respect. Did you hear me? Ok, bad grammar abi? Do not disrespect the Nigerian man especially in public. This also translates to not disagreeing with him in public. You are sitting with him and other friends and you are discussing things that only men are experts at… i.e football, politics, economics. You decide to oppose his points, slamming him with superior arguments and thus humiliating him in public… hehehehe… you will beg him to eat your food and you on your knees. Don’t get me wrong, you can disagree in private. In fact, Nigerian men like intelligent women. Just don’t trump them in public. They will brag about your sharpness and promotions and awards but this doesn’t make you the boss of them. In fact, it would be wise to attribute everything good about you to his (the Nigerian man) presence in your life. e.g
“Girl, you are looking good!”
“Thanks sis, my Nigerian man is taking good care of me.”
7. This point is an offshoot of point 6. The Nigerian man is secretly afraid of you making more money than he does. It is not that he does not want you to be successful, it is just that it is important that he is more successful than you are. Men are not supposed to be under women. In fact, the ability of a man’s penis to stay standing is directly proportionate to his income in comparison to his wife’s income. Manage your success dear woman. Don’t throw it in his face or think that the one with the most gold makes the rules. Know this before you think of living with a Nigerian man.
8. Need I say anything about sex? Ok, I will. Most men like sex, the Nigerian men are not any different. You must be available for sex as much as possible. The survival of your marriage will depend on it. Cumming every single time is not as important as his pleasure. Learn to sacrifice this, just like the good Nigerian wife that you will be. Do not take digs at his performance. Also know that birth control is solely your business. Even when you have had all your children, your husband will NEVER, and I mean NEVER get a vasectomy. Not even when you are in menopause. They will take those babies to the grave. It doesn’t matter that it is less invasive to have a vasectomy than to tie up tubes or have a hysterectomy.
9. You will be the primary care giver of all children born as long as you are alive. It will be your job to bathe them, cook for them, prepare them for school and help them with homework. You will wake up with them a gazillion times at night to breastfeed and pacify, in fact, if you are exhausted and do not hear them cry, your husband will pause his snoring to poke you awake before he goes back to sleep. They will bear his name and state of origin. That is just the way it is.
10. The housework will be your job. He may allow you to get help. If you do not have one, sorry my sister… bye bye to the manicures. If you are lucky, he will ‘help’ you once in a while and you will be so surprised and grateful that you will post pictures of him the one time he ‘backed’ the baby or cooked food. The rest of us will share it in awe of the one Nigerian guy that dared to help his wife. You will do all the market runs. If you are lucky, fixing the generator and cars will be his job.
11. Be a praying woman. Practice when you are single. The Nigerian man was raised by a praying mother. The baton will be transferred to you. You will be his ‘talisman’, his ‘prophetess’, his ‘prayer warrior’ etc etc etc. It matters little whether he prays or not. That is your job. Know that if he is ever without a job or down on his luck, somehow, you will get some blame for this. So learn how to pray.

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I truly could go on and on, but even I must admit, writing this is kind of depressing. BUT, I do have one more thing to say. If you ever meet a Nigerian man and he tells you that he is not about all those things. He tells you that he will cook and clean after you. He says he is not the typical Nigerian man. My sister, stick your tongue out and the burst out laughing. Laugh till tears are rolling down your face. Hug him and tell him “Oh, how sweet of you. God bless your cute soul” Then proceed to disregard what he said. Do not be thinking that your intellect is enough to keep the marriage. One day, you will meet him inside your neighbour’s illiterate wife twitching like a jack rabbit. Yes, the fat woman whose deliciously scented palm oil stew keeps wafting into your house.
No, Nigerian men are not all the same. Some like their food piping hot while others like theirs just hot.
And there, someone had to guide you. Do you still want to marry a Nigerian man? Yes?
Yes.
At least I tried. Good luck.
Signed
#columnistnotwriter
#authornotwriter
#troublemakernot….ehm ehm… probably just troublemaker.
N.B
Before righteous rejoinders from the association of happily married wives and defenders of Nigerian men arise against me, I plead some satire… not a lot.

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