Quote; Love is not two people looking at each other, but two people looking in the same direction – Anonymous.
So, despite attempts by some nefarious characters to truncate and hijack Valentine’d Day this year in Nigeria, it is still holding.
This proves beyond reasonable doubt that true love always always wins. Anyway, speaking of love winning, it does, you know? You don’t believe me?
Read on. My friends and I were locked in an argument recently, the romantics versus the realists.
One side (the romantics) held the opinion that monogamy was possible, that cheating was not inevitable and therefore unacceptable. The other side (the realists)…well, they held the opposing view. They argued heatedly and volubly that a)people cheat b)it is best to gird your loins and accept this inevitability c) so long as you were loved and adored, it shouldn’t matter if your partner caught some nookie on the outside. I won’t say what side I was on.
After the argument subsided and we went our different ways, I did some serious thinking.
But before the thinking, I had another encounter. I was relating to my friend the mistreatment a friend’s husband was meting out to her in measured doses. I went on and on and then he cut me short with a question, ”is she unhappy?” In this case, the answer was a categorical yes, she is unhappy, terribly so. She says it, she knows it, she talks about it.
But it got me thinking; what if the answer had been no.
What do I mean?
Many times, we observe a married couple… or really people in any kind of relationship, and because as human beings we like to second-guess people and pre-empt their reactions to issues and prescribe how they may or may not feel about things happening around or to them, we engage in transference. We collect all the variables and then based on our own worldview or experience or expectations or convictions, we decide how they are supposed to feel and react.
So you hear things like, “He cheated on you? Leave him this instant, He did not pay your children’s fees? Cut off his penis” etc etc.
But then we know, at least in theory, that people are unique. Therefore, should it not stand to reason that we all have different realities and what is important to us? Should this not carry into our relationships? I say this because, while to person A, fidelity is everything, person B could decide that a provider is everything, person C may decide that a good father/mother to their children is what matters while person D may insist that a god-fearing partner (whatever that means) is what is important. From respect from their spouse’s family/circle, fierce loyalty, serious acrobatics in the bedroom, beauty/presentability, good homemaker/good cook/perfect hostess, erudition – the list goes on and on. And here’s the shocker.
All expectations are equally valid.
Do you watch the TV show House of Cards? Look at that couple. They are not a phenomenon I can wrap my head around. The husband sleeps with this journalist girl and comes home and he and his wife discuss in detail how this could give him a leg up. The wife f$£ks this guy and returns to the loving embrace of her husband. What unites them, their team spirit us-against-the-world-fuck-everyone-else and fierce devotion to each other, the enhancement of their careers. They both do not want children.
But run that by most people and they would cringe. But it works for them. They are agreed. And really, this should be all that matters.
The only qualifier here is ‘they are agreed!’ There is a serious problem when one person decides that it is okay to sleep with another person outside the relationship but the other person disagrees, or when one person insists that they must do housework together and the other takes exception. But if they both are on the same page, brethren, please quell your expectations on their behalf and let them be.
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