Na wa oooo! These people won’t let us hear word! Since early November we have been suffering for having a TV and paying TV license fees on time. The Christmas adverts are in full force. They’ve spent millions of ££s to ensure we use our own hands to loosen our purse-strings and hotfoot it to our mobile phones or nearest retail centre and spend even more, in the name of Christmas. Even though I stay off anything with Father Christmas and fairies, the “real life” adverts aren’t any much better. There are 2 adverts I really hate in particular, and I’m going to write them out and the things that actually play in my head whilst I’m watching them. Feel free to add your own adverts without even reading mine…yes I sure as hell don’t mind; that’s how ticked off I am.

So here goes:

 John Lewis’ Monty The Penguin advert:

  1. A little boy called Sam has a penguin friend called Monty. They watch a plasma-screen telly, play hide-and-seek, and jump on a trampoline in a spacious, green garden.

monty and mabel


  1. They take walks on clean streets, in a park where there seems to be only white people, with ponds where Monty takes a swim. As they play and eat together, the seasons come and go.


  1. But Sam notices that Monty isn’t excited by snow and keeps looking at couples, young and old as they kiss in the snow. This gives Sam an idea. On Christmas morning Sam gets Monty a wife, a penguin just like him and the couple kiss.


  1. At this point Sam’s parents come in to see Sam playing with 2 stuffed penguins, putting the toys’ head together for a kiss. It’s revealed that Monty’s feelings were actually all in Sam’s head, and his thoughtful parents gifted Sam with another penguin “wife” for Monty to complete Sam’s Christmas.


The reality

  1. If this advert was really filmed mostly in east London as reported, then Sam would be Asian and Monty would be a tiger. They would watch a larger plasma-screen TV (at least 50’) or listen to the radio and…there would be no space to play, because the garden would have long been converted into a shed, which desperate Nigerian Osanles would happily rent and pay tons of cash for.
  2. Again, there would at least be Indians and Bangladeshis in the shot, and curry would feature as some of the foods they ate, not the puny fish fingers I saw.
  3. In London, really, the old couples would likely get stoned or filmed for daring to kiss, while the younger couples would get catcalls. And possibly a drunk voyeur seeking a ménage a trois. And Sam would not dare get Monty a wife just like that, because Britain is against its 10,000-sham marriages tally growing.
  4. It’s best that this advert remained in Sam—and the copywriter’s—head, because it will take more than that to get me to go to the shops, much less overpriced, needlessly snooty J-Lewis.


Waitrose’s Shy Schoolgirl advert:

  1. Starts with a classroom, where the teacher asks: “so who’s going to help me this year with the gingerbread stall?” A lot of children raise their hands but the teacher settles for Ellie, a quiet, very shy girl who didn’t raise her hand in the first place.


  1. Ellie goes to a Waitrose shop where a black shop assistant helps her select ingredients for the school bake Christmas-themed fundraising
  2. Her first few attempts at baking result in limp biscuits, burnt ones, and as she gets frustrated and angry she gets a hug from her mother
  3. Ellie keeps at it, doesn’t go out to play like others until she gets her recipe right. She returns to black-Waitrose-employee to get some cake decorations, only to return and see that the family dog ate and broke the biscuits
  4. She makes a new batch, it’s perfect and she makes a lot of sales at the school stall. At the end of the day just one cookie is left. She keeps this and goes to give this to Black-Waitrose employee, who smiles ever so warmly. The advert ends with a voice over, summing up what we’ve seen with: “when you own something, you care a little more. Everyone who works at Waitrose, own Waitrose…so they care more.”


The reality

  1. At least one black and two Asian kids in that classroom raised their hands. Instead the teacher went for the person who was least interested in the job. This just about sums up what you see from time to time in Jand’s employment tribunals. Na white man dey get work first!
  2. Why oh why must the help be black? Why couldn’t the child be black and the Waitrose lady (or even guy, I’m all for equality) be white? Waitrose, kontinu o.
  3. In an ideal world, if the child were black, the mother would help her bake the damn biscuits or take her for deliverance, to stop demons from spoiling her hustle and put “the enemies” to shame. In an ideal world, Ellie’s mother as a sharp Oyinbo would just go and buy the damn biscuits, not all this long thing.
  4. It would be easier for a Nigerian pastor to raise someone from the dead than anybody getting to talk to the same store employee/doctor/receptionist two times in a row. Ask any Jand person you know. The shifts, contracts and casual staff culture are on another whole zero chill level.
  5. Of course she would smile. Black people. Suffering and smiling in Jand since 19-kpiridim.

By the way, I have since heard that the black-employee-from-Waitrose is a Nigerian and really works for Waitrose true true.

Abeg…pass me the crowbar, if you can find it!

I need to extricate my tongue from my cheek.

See you next week


photo credit

photo credit


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