In case you missed it, a couple of days ago, Nigeria’s Internet Children of H-anger sat before their phones and communication devices as the night, a lot of them had been waiting for, lowly rolled by and the count down to the next day began.
No, it wasn’t Halloween.
We are Nigerians, we don’t do Halloween.
We will only start celebrating Halloween when whomever the occupant of the white house is attends his masquerade initiation ceremony in Ukpor Nnewi and holds an annual ofala festival in the White House.
Stick with me please…
So, Nigeria’s Children of H-Anger were not anticipating Halloween, they were waiting for the 200,000 jobs which Nigeria’s Vice President, Professor Yemi Osinbajo had promised would be delivered to unemployed graduates before the end of October 2016.
Word on the streets is that some of these jobs are as masquerade dressers and bus conductors, but we will pretend not to have heard that. Again, perhaps in order to encourage the government in their jobs creation venture, some companies feeling the crunch of the over exaggerated and non existent recession, released a total of 5,000 staff altogether, to join the teeming millions in Nigeria’s Labour market.
All waiting patiently for one slot out of the 200,000 jobs Pastor Osinbajo promised was on the way.
As the clocks ticked away the critical last hours of October and the countdown to November commenced, you couldn’t help but salute the courage of the waiting waiters (not to be confused with “wailing wailers”), after all this government has an excellent and unopposed track record in fulfilling campaign promises.
We’ll examine a few of those “fulfilled promises” fueling our belief in the integrity claims upon which this administration rode to power.
1. School Feeding Program: If you cast your mind back a little, a lot of hysteria was expended on APC’s promise to provide “at least one square meal for students in public primary schools in Nigeria”.
We believed them, even though our calculators kept breaking down every time we attempted to calculate the financial implications of such a wild, obviously ondo-weed inspired promise. Anyway, we figured that a larger calculator must have been used to prepare the budget for the school’s feeding program, no be Casio sontin.
Last week and while preparing for this article, we sent out one of our roving reporters to EVERY government primary school in the country to ascertain if this promise was being upheld.
We have not heard from any of them, their phones have since been switched off but their family members who were reached on alternative phones informed us that their children had gone to school and would be back in the afternoon.
Apparently, after seeing children in the public schools filing out to a lunch of fried rice, jollof rice, gizdodo, quarter chicken, coleslaw and one orobo Pepsi to wash it all down, our reporters unanimously decided to return to school, and attempt to retake their primary 4 Arithmetic classes again.
The only thing is that the Federal Government did not include the one piece of fruit they promised during campaigns in the school lunch, but we forgive them.
Who wants fruit when they can have orobo Pepsi?
Verdict: Promise kept! Sai Buhari.
2. Naira – Dollar Parity: Dressed in his ishi agu outfit and anticipating the rebaptism to Ogbueshi Okechukwu Buhari, the then APC Presidential Candidate General Muhammadu Buhari took to the podium on the 23rd of March 2015 at the Owerri Stadium in Imo State and announced that he would force the dollar to lie in bed with the naira.
No more feeling like a boss because $1 was equal to N215 at the time, what was PDP even thinking?
He had the magic wand and as soon as the APC was elected into power, all that would CHANGE. N1 would be equal to $1. Naira and dollars would be mates by fire by force. No more feeling like a boss for Uncle Dollar.
We didn’t need to send a reporter to verify this, it IS amazing.
We can all testify, even you reading this, if you are truthful to yourself, you will admit that things have since CHANGEd where Naira/Dollar relationship is concerned.
Our naira has not only caught up with the dollar, it has tackled it and thrown it to the ground. Right now, one dollar is just 2kobo.
When we visited the mallams in Zone 4 and asked for dollars, they sent their boys to go and pack some from the toilet where they had been using them as tissue paper.
And of course, this has had a resultant impact on the cost of goods and service. A 50kg bag of rice is now N900, a litre of fuel is N37 and one paint bucket of garri is 60 kobo only…
… in APC induced hallucinations.
Overwhelmed by its resounding success in trouncing the dollar, the naira was last seeing pursuing the almighty Bitcoins.
Hopefully by December 31, 2016; N1 will be equal to BTC1, and the change Nigerians were desperately looking for would be right back in their pockets.
Verdict: Promise fulfilled! Hail Buhari.
3. Total Annihilation of Boko Haram:
Now, this is a dicey one. The timeline kept shifting depending on Alhaji Lienus Mohammed’s level of inebriation, and then each time Garba Shehu succeeded in annihilating Boko Haram on the pages of the newspapers, some “soft targets” would wander into bombs and the arms of the terrorists.
Then the wailers would try to make it seem like all that was the work of Boko Haram.
The same Boko Haram that has been “technically defeated” and to whom the government has been releasing previously arrested suspects; this same Boko Haram would “release” 21 girls in the morning, and kidnap another 30 by sunset.
They will surrender and pledge allegiance to the government of General Muhammad Buhari by day, and set off bombs by night.
But don’t mind me, they have been technically defeated and have run away with their tails between their legs. I am just still smarting from the electoral loss of President Goodluck Jonathan.
For instance, here is a glimpse into the retirement activities of the defeated Boko Haram in the past few days:
> Sept 27, 2016: 17 killed and 30 kidnapped around Chibok Local Government in Borno state.
> October 12, 2016: Many feared killed in bomb blast in Muna Garage, Maiduguri.
> October 18, 2016: 83 soldiers missing, 13 others wounded after Boko Haram attacks camp in Gashigar.
> October 30, 2016: 9 dead, 24 injured in two explosions in Maiduguri.
But, not to worry.
Just ignore those random dates, casualty figures and all that mumbo jumbo I bandied around up there.
Boko Haram has finally been beaten into quivering submission. They have been defeated and taught a lesson on how not to terrorize and insurgencise a country. It is evident in the way “Chibok girls” are esc-aping per minute per second, and the total calm that has returned to the hardest hit areas.
Now if only unarmed and defenseless “soft targets” and ill-equipped and unprepared military men can stop wandering into bombs and kidnapping themselves.
Verdict: Promise delivered on! Hail Buhari.
So, when you look back at the APC’s history of fulfilling campaign promises, you would find it easier to understand why the hordes of Nigerians who sat up to wait for job alerts on the 31st of October 2016 did so.
They have confidence in their government.
This government has integrity.
Forget the unfortunate coincidence in the name of the Minister of Information who has shown he invented and still holds undisputed rights to the art of mendacity.
This is a government that has proven that their word is their bond.
This is a “talk na do” government.
They always under-promise and over-deliver.
All hail the APC.
And to the Waiting Waiters who are actually waiting for this government to fulfill any of their campaign promises, may you find whatever it is you are patiently waiting for.
*takes an extra dose of anti-hallucinatory medications*