July 23, 2018

Wedding stress…and you are not even the bride – Funke Phillips

Wedding stress…and you are not even the bride – Funke Phillips

Recently, I seem to get invited to a wedding every Saturday. Sometimes, it’s even more than one wedding. I’m all for parties and having a good time but somehow weddings just don’t make it on my list of ‘fun’ events.

I don’t know if it has always been this way but recently weddings kind of bore me especially weddings of friends and family close to me. Maybe it’s the extravagant and incessant planning or the unspoken law that you must smile throughout the occasion though you are neither the bride nor groom. Scratch that, you’re not even in the bridal party but you’re expected to grit your teeth and make merry. It doesn’t matter that your dress is tight and stifling or that you’ve lost a heel of a shoe – no one cares: people are getting married – so, smile!

black wedding

My friend got married a month ago and it was a hellish time…..for me! She had been planning this wedding for over six months and it seemed like she didn’t have anything done. Believe me, there is no one more confused or indecisive like a woman about to get married. It was confusion galore. From her venue choice to the theme of her pre-wedding pictures. Wait, who came up with that pre-wedding photo malarkey? And now I hear they even do post-wedding photo shoots. Sometimes, the planning that goes into the actual planning of a wedding is more than the stress of the entire wedding process combined.

Anyway, my friend who is actually a nice, level headed girl became this confused, cranky, crazy, panicky person. Should she wear a white, cream or pale pink wedding gown? She was not sure. Should she wear a sleeveless gown or not? She was not sure. Should she and her groom write their own vows? She didn’t know. Should she hire a DJ or live band? She was not sure. Should she have a little bride and groom in her train? She didn’t know. What colours would she like her flowers to be? She wasn’t sure. What flavours would her cake be? She didn’t know. And a whole lot of ‘I don’t knows’ and ‘I’m not sure’ till it was like a month to the wedding and she made us all run around like headless chickens just because she had been so confused and indecisive. Her regular meetings with her wedding planner were the stuff horror movies were made of. A lot of screaming, snarling, whining and crying. Her harried planner had the patience of a saint. If I were the planner, I would have slapped a little sense into her. You can’t keep changing stuff every five minutes. Do you want to frustrate me? And that’s why I won’t make it as a wedding planner. Which is a crying shame because I’d have been a dope one but you can’t just go around slapping sense into annoying indecisive clients which is what I’d do. Slap her a little, shake her a bit and tell her to get a bloody grip.

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I don’t understand how someone so indecisive managed to calm down long enough to decide that this fellow was the one she would be marrying. The whole stress of weddings makes me tired and I’m not even the bride.

Now I have new rules when it comes to wedding. I refuse to be in anyone’s train or be anyone’s bridesmaid. I’m too old for all those shenanigans. I don’t have ‘power’. I refuse to buy aso-ebi or partake in any other gimmicks brides come up with to make you part with money. I’m already getting you a gift and if it’s an owambe kind of wedding, I probably would have to spray you cash. I think that’s enough.

I’m really not interested in all the planning that goes into a wedding. All I’m interested in is you having a great spinster night where we can all drink and be happy and your wedding reception where food and drinks should be plenty.


I don’t care about your dress. As long as it’s beautiful, I’m good. I don’t care about your cake. We hardly get to eat it anyway. I don’t care if it’s a DJ or live band. As long as there’s music, I’m good. I don’t care about your hall decor, come on, who cares? All I’m interested in is your food and drinks. Provide plenty of this and your wedding is top notch in my eyes.

I make an exception for Yoruba traditional weddings sha. I love them!

And, if at the end of your wedding, I’m not a little (or a lot) buzzed, I’m sorry but I’ll have to give your wedding an F9.


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  1. aisha

    I don’t care about weddings too. People will threaten not to attend your own they didn’t know that was what I wanted.

    Make up your mind jare, after 3. Hours the confusion is over. Plan for more important things like fueling for your generator at home, PHCN units,

  2. tara

    The best part of weddings is the reception and after partty. I hardly do the wedding ceremony in church. How many sermon we wan hear sef. To get an A1 at a wedding, there should be good music, nice gossiping and many people to shadow.

  3. Enuka Chimezie

    Comment… I don’t see me spending much on my wedding day (that’s if there would be one). I just don’t fancy weddings.


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