Hurray! We have just three days to the end of the Commonwealth Games when we will finally know exactly how many lucky African athletes will show up on the final day of the Disgracing Africa and Absconding for A Visa Games.(DAAV Games)

Understandably, the DAAV Games never have a proper schedule; already, two Cameroon athletes have decided they would rather wrestle the elements than their mates on the mat, fleeing just two hours after arriving for the Commonwealth games in Glasgow. The men must have taken their cues from their fellow compatriots—two teenaged sprinters who did not show up for their flight in 2011 and instead took part in the Sprint event of the Disgracing Africa and Absconding For A Visa Games.

So far, this year, Sierra Leone has acted out of character. All 23 athletes seem to have remained in camp, unlike in 2006, when the country’s chances at the Commonwealth Games in Australia were ruined long before the games ended, when half of the Sierra Leonean contingent vanished, like a piece of g-string hidden between an ample set of buttocks.

What’s that? You think I am giving Sierra Leoneans a bad rap? Well, in 2002 21 of some 30 athletes from Sierra Leone did not return home after the Commonwealth Games o. And because the DAAV Games is open to all nationalities, you can now understand why the Pakistan Commonwealth Association is known to ask athlete’s parents to pay £10,000, which they will never get back if their children do not return home.

All you Nigerians and your sidekicks in Ghana had better not laugh too much because that would be like a man with leprosy laughing at someone with a pimple. Yes na, because that same year in 2002, who can forget what happened at the Open Golf championship in Scotland? West Africa chop disgrace like labourer dey chop Agege Bread and Coke!  Out of 58 players from Nigeria and Ghana only five showed up on the golf course.

The remaining 53 kept a whole Tiger Woods waiting; they disappeared as soon as they landed in Britain.

Thankfully, Nigeria is not known for having athletes that go on to compete in the DAAV Games. Rather, it seems we are now being known for something else entirely; importing Americans to run the athletics events.

 Crase world

While African athletes are eagerly running away from their teams and onto the streets of sporting event-hosting countries, US athletes are running in the opposite direction. Actually, they seem to be running to Nigeria, the same country where many people can sell their souls for a US visa. Sport is a funny thing. In our athletics team at the Commonwealth Games, there are 15 US athletes, a little over a third. Most claim their parents are Nigerian; practically all have never been to Nigeria, but for the free, sponsored tickets to trials; one goes as far as saying her great-grandfather who she never saw is Nigerian, and a few cannot be bothered to explain any ties to the damn country.

At least Christy Udoh broke it down:  “It dawned on me that if I wanted to be on an Olympic team, I would have to beat out a lot of Americans to do so,” Udoh said. “I was glad to have another nationality to run for, so I contacted someone from Nigeria and they wanted me to run for them.”

Of course everything foreign and phonay-speaking is good, so free them like a fart on a windy day, biko.  Let them be. After all, what does it matter that Regina George was arrested in 2011 for getting into a fight with her fellow University of Arkansas athlete Chrisstasia Walter? Or that in 2012 she was arrested again for public intoxication and misconduct? And so what? Have you seen her Twitter pics? Nna mehnnn you will forget all this bad bad things you are saying.

I mean…what’s your business if Monzavous Edwards received a public warning in 2004 after testing positive to Igbo? Ehen, so what if it meant he was disqualified from his 3rd place at the Norwich Union international in Birmingham because of it? Abeg put your hands in the air my friend. And wave it ‘round like you just don’t care.

And please please don’t bring Mark Jelks into this matter because he has already finished his two-year ban since 2012 for failing to notify the US Anti-Doping Agency of his location three times in 18 months. Are you surprised? But his grandfather is from Warri-South na. Warri no dey carry last and Waffi blood can never dilute, forget that US levels.  All of them are already in the semi-finals; that’s all we need.

Added to this, you better recognize that it is nice weavon, Instagram accounts and tattoed male biceps with sparkling neon shoes that bring in the medals.

In fact, Blessing Okagbare needs the contact details of the Americano ladies’ hairdresser to run faster, while Richard Okigbazi needs to tattoo his crutches to throw farther.

Me? I need to find my damn crowbar.

Time to pry this tongue from the cheek.

Not that type of cheek…gosh you’ve been watching women’s swimming too much.

See you next week.






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