You know how we labour under the general and often mistaken impression that Nigerian men are repulsed by the idea of feminism? How we think you can never get them to agree with the principle of “equal opportunities for all irrespective of gender”?
Wait oh, now that we have transgenders amongst us are we going to have a “transgenism” movement too? I mean, equal rights for male, female and in-betweeners – we can’t be preaching equality and ignore the fact that in Nigeria, transgenders cannot even show their faces in public or openly admit to their status how much less claim their rights. What rights? Other than 14 years in what some people obtusely assume must be homosexual paradise?
Anyway, isn’t it amazing that there is actually one point at which you can assuredly have all men singing from the feminism bible?
“Equal rice for human beans”!
That’s sually when the question, “at what point in the relationship can the man begin to spend money or buy gifts for his partner?” is asked.
That is when you will suddenly come to the realisation that our men actually appreciate a woman who knows her onions and can say to the man, “don’t worry, you do not need to spend a kobo of your money on me. I am an independent woman and can take care of myself and pick up my own bills”.
Someone actually said to me once that he would actually feel awkward if he asked a woman out on a date and picked up the bills alone. According to him, it was “quaint” and he would actually respect a woman who went dutch with him on date expenses and other related issues.
Listen dear men who suddenly turn feminist at the mention of money, you are NOT feminists. You and I both are not. We might not agree on the ways and means of expressing our non-feminism, matter of fact you might sometimes find me abhorring your non-feminist tactics, but you are not feminists.
Do not suddenly start “feminising” when it is time to loosen your purse strings and be a generous and highly chivalrous individual. Don’t mind those who talk all that crap about not spending on a woman. There is absolutely nothing quaint or awkward in dating a woman and finding little convenient ways to express your love for her.
- Sex is not love.
- Her cooking and picking up after you is not love.
- Truth be told, money is not love either.
But if you have to be cajoled, threatened, bullied or manipulated into spending on someone you claim to be in a relationship with, then please do not bother.
Of course all this should be done within the limitations of one’s pocket which is why I am a firm believer in the “shoe dey get size” gospel. Find your level, a level where you can comfortably operate in and once in a while, when you are out and your eye falls on something that you think would be pleasing to your lady love, please buy it for her.
And present it with a flourish, not a grimace.
If she has a need and vocalises it (or maybe she does not even say it out, but you sense she has a need) and you are able to meet that need, please do. Do not decide to label her a “prostitute”, or distort the story to suit the labeling. Think about it, would you rather someone you were in a relationship with went to someone else with her issues? Or hustled to solve it alone? When you can afford it?
Interestingly, the women seem to have no problems or issues with spending on men they love and think they are in a serious relationship with. Even the toughest talking of ladies would see a nice pair of boxers, or a perfume, or a pair of pam-sandals, or even a caftan on another man and immediately begin to imagine how it would look like on her significant other.
If she can afford it, she picks it up immediately and presents it with childlike enthusiasm.
Ditto cash – if the lady can afford to spend it on a man she truly loves, she does without batting an eyelid. It is actually no biggie.
But some of our men! Na wa! They will fight and resist and bring up some hastily thrown together and ill-fitting interpretations from the feminism bible. Then put up status updates seeking validation from like minds – “Why should I spend money on my partner? Is she a prostitute? Or am I her meal ticket?”
Every time I see that question being thrown around or hear men decrying in self-righteous indignation, the fact that they have to spend either cash or kind on a lady they are in a relationship with, I see a stingy scrooge who thinks the woman should cook for him, wash for him, sleep with him, be nice to his yeye friends and nitpicking family, organise his life, manage his affairs – in short, be a wife while he pretends not to be a husband.
And trust me, stingy is NOT nice. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
So, dear men, don’t worry about women being feminists and sticking to the feminism credo, a lot of you are not feminists so it sounds strange hearing you root for the movement when money matter chooks its head into a relationship.
And the answer to the question “at what point in the relationship can the man start to pick up some of his partner’s bills?” is the answer to the question “at what point in the relationship can the woman start to cook, clean, scrub, fawn over etc… the man”.
Once you can plot the graph to question number 2, then you will have the answer to question number one.
Now, bring out your wallets and start spending!