For instance, as soon as this post goes up, one of three reactions would be expected:
- Inboxjahideen: Hi baby, I read your update on sex. So you used to have sex? Oh baby, see ehn, I can’t wait to have sex with you. If you will allow me, I will do you like this and do you like that. I will bend your leg and wrap it around your neck. I will turn you upside down, inside out and right side up. Blablabla…
(Chineke! Who is this random dude for heaven’s sake? Do I even know you? You click on his profile picture and guess what? He is a clergy. Or a teacher. Or a student in one of the government secondary schools).
- Bible Thumper: You need Jesus!
(Interesting considering that this specie has a profile picture full of children. Kai, na true say children are a gift from God, but you would have had sex at least once in order to have those children na. Okay, maybe you did not have sex, maybe he just put the head in and did not move. Just like that, you fell pregnant. Maybe sef, it is Immaculate Conception. It has happened before, can always happen again. Nonsense).
- Aunty Gbeborun and Uncle Gbefila: Hah (to a random third party). Did you see what this gyal just wrote? She wrote about sex. She must either be a lesbian, a runs babe, a starving woman or a nymphomaniac. How can she even come and be talking about sex in public? Does she want to corrupt us? Hah, all this sex talk, you better talk to her o, if not I will just unfriend and block her.
(Please pause for one minute let me calculate how much value that would subtract from my overall networth as an individual. The random opinion of a random individual who cannot even communicate directly except through a random third party must be worth billions and billions of naira. Oh wait, it is worth nothing. Too bad, I would have given a damn if it was worth at least one naira).
Nigerians, I honestly think we need to grow up and admit that for each and every one of us, sex happened at least once. That is why you are sitting up reading this article, because your parents had sex.
Meanwhile it has been scientifically proven (combined research by Shakespeare, Einsten and Oshiomole) that all these people that shy away from sex are usually at it like rabbits behind closed doors.
They are the ones you will find in beer parlors, dodging behind a bowl of “washing hand water” when they see a familiar face appearing. Because the sisi ologe beside them is not the madam of the house but rather, a random young lady whom they plan to minister deliverance to after the spiritual sacrifice of nkwobi with two bottles of odeku have been made.
They are the ones who have tried it on with every under aged girl on their street. They will probably eventually be caught red handed and resort to that age old lie from the pit of hell, “na devoo make me do am”. Stop telling lies on the devil joor, you are just a yeye paedophile, a sick excuse for manhood living out his repressed fantasies on defenceless victims. Next time, learn to play among your age mates but for now, you and your trouser devil have a date with justice.
They are the ones who will suddenly kick the bucket and at their funerals, wives and children will be crawling out of every nook and cranny. They didn’t have sex with all those women to produce the children o, they just said the word and the women’s bellies were filled.
Some of the women folk who reject the mention of sex in the public, binding and casting every spirit that urged you to mention that “dirty” word are closet tigresses o, stimulate them at your own risk. When dem “provoke” like this, na war. You will need to dial a combination of fire service and rapid response squad to extricate you from their clutches.
And the rest will be too busy playing Proverbs 31 woman to realise that the same Bible harbors the Songs of Solomon. When oga reaches over and places a tentative hand on their thigh in the middle of the night, they will go into an apoplectic fit and invite all the angels of warfare to come and crush oga’s manhood to dust. They will preach and rant and break into tongues. They will quote Genesis (conveniently skipping Songs of Solomon that the devil managed to slip into the Bible), to Revelation. They will ration out the sex like the government is about to regulate it. Make oga no come chop am finish tonight o, make hin chop remain the one wey hin go chop next year.
A whole chunk of others will foam at the mouth, spittle flying and splattering all over your wall as they condemn you straight to hell for daring to mention that taboo word in a public space where minors are gathered, and then you watch in wry amusement as they begin to spam their mutual friends’ walls, groups and inboxes with virus. Yes o, Santa Nwaegbe clicked on a porn link (possibly to pray over the people doing that nasty thing yeye people do to each other), and is probably still busy clicking on the link, wondering why it has refused to open; and why their friends are suddenly blocking them all over cyberspace.
All of you.
Anytime you hear the word sex, pretend like the thing no dey sweet una.
Wetin concern me inside?