It is a good thing to look ‘madamly’ sometimes. I have always been called madam… since my teenage years. This is because of two things.
1. I have a serious face
2. My body looks madamly
Now that I am old(er), it is even worse. I also started greying right from my early 20s.
All this means I get a lot of unearned respect and nobody can guess just by looking at me what I am capable of thinking of… the sheer mischief that is ‘shoke-ing’ through my head.
Like the other day weeks ago, I was at KFC standing and waiting for my turn. To the guileless onlooker, I am a calm, serious, bespectacled madam. I am respectably married (I am wearing the two rings) and I am probably thinking about serious things like:
1. Climate change
2. The 2017 budget.
3. The legitimacy of the Buzz Feed story about a report that had been circulating about Donald Trump.
4. How Kemi can move Nigeria out of recession.
You know, serious stuff like that.
The truth is my mind is zigzagging everywhere. I start on a semi serious tone… if I ever get kidnapped (heaven forbid), someone should please tell Oby Ezekwesili….
Then everything goes south from there…
The two girls that are on the other queue get my attention. I decide to play a game of ‘If I were a guy, which one would I find toastable?’
They are both dark skinned, I don’t mind that… or the guy that is me would not mind that. They are both skinny I am thinking till I see the back side of the girl on the left… she jumped up several notches on the toastable scale. I am not a girl or gay but who does not know that most guys have a thing for the butt. You would be listening to a guy extol the virtues of a girl you know and you would not even recognize her. Then you remember that her backside looks like she has on SEVERAL disposable nappies and then you’d understand the virtue above all virtues. Girls be good, be kind, be caring, know how to cook but if all else fails, just have a big buttom.
Back to the KFC girls.
Backside girl = 2points
Flat girl= 0.5
They are both wearing short dresses with very decent legs and lovely skin. 1 point each.
I look at their faces, barely made up. Hmmm… that is odd. Again, men always say they prefer natural looks. The girls are not bad looking beht… contouring and gbogbo et al can lift an ordinary face to video vixen waka pass. The upside is that no makeup means they do not look materialistic. They actually look low maintenance. Abeg do not crucify me. There is just something very worldly about a fully made up face. Flat girl’s face has more potential so she gets 1 point more than Backside girl.
Backside girl= 4
Flat girl= 3.5
I steal glances at their toes. You can tell how neat a woman is by looking at her feet… or so men say. But as a woman I can tell you for free that nice toe nails do not mean bra has been washed up to 6 times a year. But I am a guy here so I will award marks for pedicure. 1 mark each… Flat girl did her fingernails too. I give her an extra half a point.
So it is now a tie.
Backside girl= 5
It is almost my turn and I am under pressure to pick a winner. They begin to talk and I lean in a little bit.
Original British accent. Both of them.
This is not OAP accent that one cannot even tell who they are copying. First 3 words sound New Orleans-ish, the next 4 words nondescript generic British accent, the last words in ‘I went to a good school in Nigeria’ accent.
These KFC girls’ accents came complete with their postcode in Kent stamped on it.v
Backside girl= 20
Flat girl= 20
This impressed the Nigerian guy in me. A winner now is impossible to pick. The winner would be whoever agrees… I will toast both of them.
I should have even guessed they were from the ‘abroad’ girls. Understated makeup and clothes speak of a confidence in something else. Yes, they had this “In our accents we trust” air. The average never-been-anywhere girl would be dressed to the hilt complete with studded ripped jeans, knee high winter boots, a fully made up face, long hair extensions and a funny phoney accent.
“Madam… can I take your order…” See, everyone calls me madam.
No nice game ends with a tie. There must be a winner.
When torn between two girls equally toastable and you are hard pressed by the girl at the counter to place your order… there is only one thing to do…
Backside girls wins it!!!!! I am sorry but you have heard of ‘bottom power’ before haven’t you? The buttocks swung her into the lead…
“Madam… your order…”
“Please can I have one mini fries and a beef backside… burger I mean…”
If you want to start a gofundme account to raise money for me to sort out the kind of thoughts that dance around in my head, you have my blessings!