May 26, 2018

Why Njideka’s Coleslaw is ‘Sweet’ and Yours is Not by Joy Ehonwa

Why Njideka’s Coleslaw is ‘Sweet’ and Yours is Not by Joy Ehonwa

What do scrumptious coleslaw and an amazing marriage have in common?

Be honest, you have often compared your coleslaw to Njideka’s own even though you tell yourself what you’re doing is not comparing. Her coleslaw is always nice to the eye, and the taste is out of this world. Why then can your own not be the same? Ah, it must be the place she buys her vegetables. Yes, your marriage is crappy because this man is just wrong for you.


Or, could there be something you’re missing? Maybe.

Many people think that all it takes is the union of the traditional ingredients; cabbage and carrots. Pretty much the same way what a marriage needs is a man who is ready to settle down and a woman suitable for him. Unfortunately, this is not correct.

Let me tell you the top 3 reasons why Njideka’s coleslaw is mouthwatering and yours isn’t.

  1. The biggest reason your coleslaw is awful is because you’re ignoring a very important key: attention to ratio. The fact that only two vegetables are required does not mean you should just throw carrots and cabbage together and expect magic. You should pay attention to the ratio; there must be more carrots than cabbage, at least 60:40.

It is not for nothing that vows read “for better, for worse”. There will be sweet times, and there will be not-so-sweet times. This is true for every marriage. So, am I saying you can control the ratio of good experiences to bad experiences? Yes. You don’t have superpowers, you can’t foresee every negative event and forestall them, but you can raise the number of delicious encounters so that the carrots are the big deal.

It’s not that Njide and her husband don’t quarrel. It’s just that for every negative encounter, they create 5 positive ones. She’s not sulking all day over his tone of voice in the morning.  She still goes ahead and texts him an inspiring Bible verse. He puts up her picture as his DP and writes a sweet message beside it. She brings home a bottle of his favourite wine. He gets home before her and gives the kids a bath. He gets a promising, full frontal hug when she gets in. By the time they’re in bed and she starts to say how she felt bad in the morning, he’s already apologizing from his heart and baptizing her in orgasms. See fresh, bright orange carrots.

What are you doing? You’re boning, waiting for who will apologise first. He calls you to come and see something funny on Instagram, instead of you to embrace the opportunity for laughter, you are busy on your BlackBerry forming gist because how dare he think he can act like nothing happened. You get into bed and when he puts the moves on you, you fling his hand away. How will your coleslaw be sweet?

  1. Njideka and her husband do what you swear you can never do. That her handsome husband who always stands straight like an iroko tree, you cannot imagine what he does in the house. You never see him cleaning the fans or mopping the house; you don’t even know that he does these things because whenever you see him, he’s always sitting with his feet up reading a newspaper and eating fish Njideka fried for him. When she’s going to Ketu to see her cousin, she tells hubby the day before, and she calls or texts him again as she’s leaving the house, as if a grown woman like her needs his permission to go out! And that one will be there feeling like a king! Mschew.

The truth is, it’s not every time that Njideka gets lucky and her carrots are really sweet. Sometimes she cheats and mixes a little sugar water into the carrots; just enough that you can’t tell. All you know is that the coleslaw is tasty!

Don’t worry, I know such a thing is beneath you. You can’t do things they do. Ehen. So, your coleslaw will stay like that.

  1. The official dressing for coleslaw is mayonnaise and that is what you use. The Bible said that only husbands should initiate, lights should be off, and even foreplay must be in the “missionary position”. So, you play by the book, even though you don’t know which verses exactly. Meanwhile, Njideka and her husband are busy experimenting. One day she decided to add salad cream to the coleslaw-mayo mix, and voila! Oh-my-goodness-amazing coleslaw! Then he wonders if they should squeeze a few drops of lemon juice into it. Exquisite, out-of-this-world coleslaw!

It has taken me a while, but I’ve come to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where it is watered.

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  1. Farida

    Love d style of the article. It takes 2 parties to do this otherwise Njideka’s coleslaw will always be better

  2. Chocho

    True talk. Njideka’s style does make for a happier home. One upgrade at a time. Men can check out her hubby’s own contribution of helping at home and lemon juice suggestion. Every marriage is unique, so are the things that can be done to make it happier.

  3. Res

    I really appreciate this. I should remember when I’m trying to pose/bone after he upsets me. God bless you for the insight

  4. Ugo

    Hahahahaha. Well written. Succinct, That ‘quarrelsome’ Njideka: that’s me!!
    I wonder if we’d be more pleased with our ‘cole-slaw’ if we had more husbands that clean, mop and suggest lemon juice.. IN fact, they should just Clean and mop, we can suggest the lemon juice, vinaigrette, nuts, …..


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