How depressing it is that, after all your education and seeming virtues, the inconsequential issue of breasts/butt, light(er) skin, social standing and highfalutin accent continue to rule the big city of Lagos.
The commercial nerve centre of Nigeria, tipped at pseudo-sophistication, is more excited about shrieking quasi-American accent than sincerity, talent and modesty.
“They” have attempted to pull the rug from under your feet, and they have succeeded. YOU- a true Lagos lover with many years of industry and dedication to the ideals of the state have been left in the cold with nothing but crumbs at your feet from high rising tables of those with perverted affection for you and your city.
They are the Nigerians who have devised ways of making it in Lagos. Their Lagos hustle, tight like an abortion belt, makes all your niceties and ethics ordinary and humdrum.
You have lost Lagos opportunities to these women- jobs, glossy invites, chirpy friends, perky acquaintances and even boyfriends. These hustlers rule over you because they have acquired some things you are yet to understand.
Let me help you. Why should you waste all those years in school just to end up as a receptionist at a radio station? What is that? Why sit on the seat of a school leaver because you lack certain pros- flimsy perks that can be bought in a super store?
Get a new accent:
By God, you sound like a local breed. You stamp your feet on every syllable like a soldier matching to war! In Lagos that is just not acceptable. Don’t just open your mouth to speak; don’t fling every word out, learn to roll your tongue. Yes, slowly… like a French kiss. Let it cascade like silk from your tongue through your lips…slowly. Do you not hear how they sound on your radio stations? You think they got the job because of some cerebral ingenuity? Hian! My sister, wake up! The way you sound makes you a typical Nigerian. Nobody wants to deal with such convention. To get the acceptable Lagos accent right, you have to rrrrrrroll out your Rs like they are going out of fashion. Every word must have an “R” tucked in somewhere…
Dor yurrr underrrstarnd?
Yes, that’s a sure ticket to getting people’s attention. You are smart but your boss and his clients want to be flattered and comforted with a bowl of rrrrrrs enough to have for breakfast. So do it! You would need it the most if you end up in the media- TV, radio and on the red carpet.
Get a new complexion:
Look at you, as black as charcoal *smh*. What is wrong with you? You will get lost in the dark, like a pin- never to be seen. In a crowd of a hundred women, you’ll dissolve like salt in a bowl of water. It should bother you and drive you to action.
Have you not heard of the pills?
Wait, what? You are still thinking hydroquinone tubes? Are you crazy? The idea is to bleach from within. Your intestines first turn to yellow, then spreads its infection sunniness through your entire body, reflecting on the outer layer of your skin. You begin to glow like the remnants of the sun bathe in water. Now you can stand out from the crowd and get the attention you deserve.
Say something super idiotic:
This is how it works: just open your mouth and let nonsense spew out or tweet something super daft, like:
“Dr. Dre is greater than Malcolm X. One is a billionaire, the other was just a Moslem.”
“I don’t have time to read. Professors are poor, D’banj is a millionaire.”
“Chilling with my friends on a Monday morning at Cee Bars, popping Champagne. Ain’t no time for hard work…”
You know, it’s super-cool to sound super-foolish these days. Everyone will pay attention; you’ll get a hundred retweets in two minutes; you’ll trend for half an hour and get a few websites to talk about you. Then that is when you should make the next plug-in:
“Not trying to diss anybody but iz my laif. I say what I wanna. Don’t hate me, hate the fabulous laif I am living. Deuces”
It wouldn’t matter that you are tweeting from a room in Mafoluku, Oshodi; nobody on social media has that information. Now you must wait for that call from StarFM.
You do not have enough time to build friendships; it is a painstaking exercise that will not in any way be beneficial to this pursuit you are on. What you need is “Frenemies”. A frenemy is a rival, someone thoroughly disliked; an enemy disguised as a friend. A frenemy wishes you nothing but doom and agony, but she’ll be there to hand you tissue paper for the catarrh running down your nose, hoping it never stops; hoping you die an ugly and miserable death. But she is a friend too, you see. Ah! It is complicated…don’t worry, just go with the flow. Have a group of frenemies to hang out with- most preferably the Peruvian-wearing, Louboutin-strutting, faux eyelash-flickering bunch of Barbie doll wags. There’s nothing to talk about except boys, money and who’s getting diamonds for a weekend rendezvous in Abuja. You will keep these buffoons because they are the key to places your ordinary educated ass cannot get into. Dumb girls meet the most influential men in town; you’ll need to fit in, push all your strong opinions inside your bra and slap some stupidity on your face. The men will turn when you walk in- we are talking industry tycoons here; your frenemies will settle with their choices, and then pick yours too. Keep laughing all night as he shares old-men jokes, scorched like the knuckles of a bleached-out pepper seller. Ask for expensive alcohol and keep the laughter coming. Soon, after weeks of trysts, you’ll get a written note to the industry of your choice telling the Managing Director to hire you with immediate effect.
Take those clothes off:
It seems, for every outfit, there’s a need to show (off) a little cleavage. Were you asleep when the memo was being passed to women all over Lagos? You still wear a shirt buttoned to the neck with a starched collar covering the small enticing ring of flesh #Aintnobodygottimeforthat!
If you want some action, if you want to be the next big-whatever in Lagos, you must be willing to display your goods. How do you buy boiled corn when the pot is secure? Join the trend! Look everywhere, contemporary fashion is really all about nudity- flimsy attires crushing breasts and buttocks like candy crush (Warning: I beg you all, stop sending me candy crush invites on Facebook! Ok I deviate).
The more scandalous, the faster it gets to blogs; then you become this “whore”, then this “girl”, then later this “not-so-bad-boobs”, then this “live-your-life-no-matter-what-haters-say”, and then rumours of a boob-loving commissioner on your trail…then you buy your own Honda SUV.
Then you win.
*coughs* Or so it may seem…